Halloween 2015: Spook me maybe

Hiya party people! It’s now past mid-October, to state the obvious, and that means we are all doing two things: drinking hot beverages and frantically googling clever halloween costumes. Fear not brave souls, for I have applied the vast scientific knowledge I have acquired by studying literature to this very issue and performed what most call a miracle.

I call it Monday.

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Here’s how it works, simply locate your hot beverage of choice this fall on this list, and your perfect costume suggestion awaits! Thank me later, preferably by shipping green chile to Sweden in a mass of hot air balloons. kthanksbye.


Ah, the most non-committal of espresso drinks. Fifty-percent of you desires pure caffeination while the other fifty is a little bitch. That’s cool though, I support your indecision. You know who else has difficulty sticking to one thing? That’s right, Taylor Swift. Whether it be musical genre or sexy time partner that gal is not known for continuity. SO for you, indecisive consumer of halves, might I suggest the embodiment of a T-Swift song this Halloween.8aa07db684ef486e10da090827650db4.

Some options

Blank Space: Wear all black with a blank white piece of paper/posterboard/sticky note, etc.

Shake It Off: Carry a shake weight with the word “it” written on it. Done.

Teardrops on my Guitar: Carry a guitar, with fake tear drops on it.

Decaf coffee

Who do you think you are?! Jared, that is who you are. Get yourself some enormous pants to walk around in, a subway sandwich, glasses, and a posse of underage girls.

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Flat white

Look at you, hip little thang!  Ironically endorsing pop culture tops your C.V. Hobbies include Keeping up with the Kardashians, but only jokingly. It is only appropriate that you embody north west, the direction not the person, this Hallow’s eve. Are Halloween and Hallow’s eve the same thing? Or is Hallow’s eve the day before. Either way–be north west, not North West, ahem.

P.S. this

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What a classic drink! I say this in the least personally biased manner, but drinkers of this beverage clearly have exceptional taste and must excel at all things life related. Except Microsoft Excel because I mean there are limitations to genius, after all. Based on my research, consumers off this particular drink obsessively love podcasts and crosswords (guilty). I proclaim the podcast “Limetown” as the suitable costume for you. For the rest of you, listen to Limetown immediately.

Oprah Latte

Ayayay mamacita! You need a costume as spicy as your fall drink. I don’t even think there is one, so why not dress up precisely as this concoction?

Pumpkin Spiced Latte

First of all, how dare you. Second of all, how dare you.

Kidding, really it’s fine. We are all super judging you, but it’s fine.


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Clearly you don’t enjoy and/or respect all that is coffee and I will super key your car later, but not before suggesting you dress your trendy crossfitted little body up as a sexy iPhone for Halloween. This will aptly showcase your ability to slut-up virtually anything! Coincidentally this happens to be my specialty, so if you need any tips I got your back.



You love breakfast, I am guessing, and your google calendar and sweaters and practicality. All on board with those. I deem breakfast as your 2015 Halloween attire. Do with it what you will, felt seems like a useful tool. You will, however, never surpass the following dog or child in cuteness.

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Single Espresso

Studies show this market to be politically relevant, intellectual devils. Sipping on your tiny drink, the most efficient of coffee drinks. Enjoyment of coffee is for the homeless. You prefer to get your fix ASAP, and proceed to kicking ass all day. Have you heard of Donald Trump? He is this super great guy with super great political suggestions. How about you dress yourself up as one of them this 31st? You would look mighty fine as “the wall”.

Extra points if you somehow work a window in there. OR IF SOMEONE DRESSED UP AS A WINDOW AND YOU DRESSED UP AS A WALL. Okay. Greatest idea ever. Couples costume.

Instant coffee

You are a ghost. And traitor to humanity but that is neither here nor there.



BREAKING NEWS! The canines have been released, who is responsible? Stay tuned.

It has come to our attention that a matter of international security has arisen. It has been reported that the dogs have, once again, been let out.

First and foremost, it is of utmost importance that you do not panic. The proper authorities have been alerted and are doing their best to maintain the situation. Please do your best to keep your families and loved ones safe in this dire moment in history by keeping them away from areas of potential dog interest. Shoe stores and post offices have henceforth been temporarily closed for employee safety.

If you have any information regarding the dogs’ whereabouts or who might have let them out please call 1-800-SEE-DOGS


International Political Expert Donald Trump released the following statement,

The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”

It wasn’t about this, but it remains applicable.

Investigation of this event will be supplemented with video evidence of this terrible occurrence.

The escape occurred early this morning, as the guard of Manoe Hills Doggie Day Care was inattentively watching television. He was informed of the escape moments before it happened, by the very program he was watching.

Speculation of inside assistance follows the evidence, which shows the doors opening seemingly by themselves. The first escapees out of the door are far too small to have turned any sort of handle, indicating the help of a mechanization device, a ghost, or most likely, inside help of humans.

The (Baha) men, leading experts in dog forensics, have been called in to solve the case.


They began by identifying the very necessary, though obvious, question concerning the crime—

Who let the dogs out?





The female dog-catcher vehicle contingent has been dispatched with binoculars in tow, cleverly camouflaged in animal print hats and sunglasses.


The dogs are very much on the run, with one canine reportedly knocking over an unattended fruit stand. Let the evidence show that the pup known as “Alfredo” must serve additional time for emotional distress for the owner of this fruit stand.

The terrier, “T-Bone” is additionally charged with sexually harassing a woman, causing her to clutch a pole in fear.

But never fear, the Baha squad is here!They are on the case and continue to confer, in a language spoken by no other than themselves. In an interview, member “Breaka” Butler released the following statement;

Say, A doggy is nuttin’ if he don’t have a bone
All doggy hold ya’ bone, all doggy hold it
A doggy is nuttin’ if he don’t have a bone
All doggy hold ya’ bone, all doggy hold it”

Reports indicate the dogs are running through fields and wreaking havoc on beach communities around the globe. Or just Miami, it’s hard to tell.

We have just been informed mail man Rick O’Leary is the first victim of the dogs. They cornered him by a building and viciously attacked him. He is in critical condition. Needless to say, mail may be late in many households today.

Who let the dogs out?! Who? Who? Who?


Rik Carey blue-shirt Baha has officially entered the manhunt, through his blue house, with a blue window, and blue corvette. When questioned about the incident he responded,

“Blue is the colour of all that I wear.
Blue are the streets and all the trees are too.
I have a girlfriend and she is so blue.
Blue are the people here tat walk around,
Blue like my corvette, it’s in and outside.
Blue are the words I say and what I think.
Blue are the feelings that live inside me.”

The sexual harassing terrier, T-Bone has found Anthony “Monks” Flowers Leroy  red-shirt Baha in the junkyard!

It seems the tides have turned against the Baha crew! A chase is currently occurring of the men through the field, and the female backup is close behind.

Agents are changing strategy, employing the age-old dance party sting operation. The criminals will not be able to resist such a get together: there is enthusiastic line dancing and colorful shirts. Fact. The female agents are on the prowl for any canine guests, throwing down the gauntlet with a dance off.



Take that dogs!


Dancing is still actively occurring.


The dogs have been safely deposited back into their rightful location, the security guard has not moved.

Astrological August: Your month in peculiar specificity



Oprah once said, “If you feel secure in your relationships, it is probably because they are talking shit behind your back on the regular”. Think about this, Aries, because it directly applies to you. This month is the perfect opportunity to change everything about your entire personality, everyone you know and love has been waiting for long enough.


Taurus, your sun sign is in retrograde from the 15th to the 25th of August and you will be playing with fire. Literally. Seriously be careful when lighting a cigarette or performing pagan fire rituals, or you will singlehandedly cause a forest fire.


Reese Witherspoon recently starred in the movie Wild, which is based off a memoir of a woman who embarked on a wild adventure to hike the Pacific Crest Trail in the most unprepared way possible. Think of her, dear Gemini, ripping her toenail off in one of the most repulsive cinematic scenes ever as you inject yourself with heroin and cheat on your significant other before taking off on a potentially life threatening hike.


Invest in some quality binoculars, Cancer because birds are migrating in front of the spot where Venus rises. Your neighbors are up to something and it is your responsibility–nay, your civic DUTY to figure out what it is. Word on the street is they are communists poisoning the water with their red lies, infecting American freedom! You must be on 24/7 surveillance mode, it is up to YOU.


Did somebody say suicide pact?**


Things come to people who wait for them, sometimes. I know you have wanted those J Crew pants for so long Virgo, and now is your time. They are on sale! Only in size extra small, so you are going to have to stop eating a week ago. Kale and adderall diet begins… now.


The moon is orbiting the Earth, Libra, and we all love it. Similarly, if you are interested in someone it is best to be in perpetual proximity to them, preferably orbiting their body in a circular fashion. They might not love you now, but give it a few billion years and there will be a race to get to you first! Monkeys will win.


Scorpio, I hate to break it to you but there is a scorpion colony under your bed as we speak. That’s what you get for being born in November, but luckily for you they will not attack fellow brethren. Befriend the scaly creatures, create a venomous army to use against your enemies! No one will fuck with you ever again, ask the Rock. Scorpion armies are the new black


Ah Saggi, you sassy thing you. Be careful where that mouth lands you this month. Stars are in the sky in barely perceptible shapes and you know what that means (I’m talking to you Jeff from Flipping Out). That Big Dipper is cause for Big Trouble, so shut your trap unless you want a repeat of that scene from True Detective when Vince Vaughn unconvincingly beats up that enormous gangster and pulls out all his teeth (spoiler).


Greetings little goats, by far the most superior of the signs your wisdom abounds as per usual this month. You need to make an extra cash right now, I know, so put that intuition to proper use by posing as an authority on the supernatural. Psychic gigs are aplenty this month, because Mercury is turning blue on the dark side of Saturn’s rings. Or just write your own horoscopes, people love that shit.


Sexual experimentation is in the air, Aquarius. Inanimate objects are where it’s at, and you are seeing that vase in a whole new way now aren’t you? This is a no judgement month for the water signs because it is summer, and hot as balls. As Gandhi preaches, “YOLO bitches, screw whatever you want.”


There was never a better time to join a cult, than right here right now. You seek community this month, Pisces, and Scientology just makes so much sense.

**Just kidding times infinity

The art of attraction, courtesy of your top source for unsolicited advice

How to reel in the dates, but more likely none at all

We’ve just about reached the halfway mark of July and summer fever is in full effect. Everyone has been watching the Bachelorette, and lives in terror of marriage-driven dating. I mean, I am still actively pinning to my secret wedding board on Pinterest but I speak for the rest of you.

If seeking some casual strange, but are not well-versed in the intricacies of courting then this guide is for YOU. Dating is a delicate balance between fundamentally deceiving prospects about virtually all your personal attributes, and not giving a shit. And who better qualified than yours truly in dispensing advice on this very important topic? The obvious choice, according to my cat.

SO. Getting prepped to go out.

First things first hide yo zits, hide the rest of your face. No one wants to see that, purchase some stage makeup and go to town. You certainly don’t want to be recognized by anyone after this night. Be creative young grasshoppers, go forth and youtube makeup tutorials! #contouringopportunity


Trends are your friend

Wear something you are comfortable in. If that happens to be a t-shirt reading “Jesus it’s just that easy” then go with that. It’s made out of great material if people could just stop with the judging!!!

For men, I recommend investing in some pheromone cologne. It exists, and I have tasted it. In my defense I thought it was flavored lube, which is surprisingly delicious. Especially the salted caramel kind!

For women, might I suggest keeping a burrito in your pocket. A subtle waft of breakfast food does wonders for enticing the male population. Or female..the human population really. Everyone loves burritos. If nothing else, you can rest safe with the knowledge that you will definitely not being going home alone.

For both, don’t shower for a week or so in preparation for this event so your natural smell is prominently featured.

Once ready and out, it’s time to attract some potential mates. Get yourself to a bar, ABQ residents might I suggest the Distillery? I have been there once, and when I wasn’t crying in the bathroom for no reason I was noticing the mating rituals occurring over really cheap shots. Oh, the beauty of youthful romance.

Never buy your own drink, don’t even bring money with you! Simply ask every semi-attractive person to borrow money, conveniently necessitating a future meet- up for you to return the favor. Or you get a free drink, really a win-win.

Eye contact is critical when attracting a mate. If they aren’t looking at you, continue to stare at them until they do. Don’t want to miss an opportunity, they might only look once. Try not to blink once in conversation with someone, it disrupts the eye contact.

Once you snag a partner begin to talk about your interests, for instance if you have been reading murder mysteries feel free to talk about the best ways to murder someone. There are so. many. ways. Don’t even get me started, I blame Serial. When in doubt or awkward silence simply revert to universally appreciated and topical subjects, like Scientology or rodeos.

floating tone arms

PRO TIP: Always always always always pretend to like Game of Thrones. Even if you hate it, it’s a deal breaker for seventy-five percent of the population.

Conversing with new people is unavoidably awkward, icebreakers assist with the communication process. My favorite? Ask them their street address. Or ask their first and last name, find them on Facebook while still in proximity, and use the “ask address” button.

My friend Anna informed me about this twitter and it is the GREATEST. It has been so helpful for me personally. The important questions must be asked

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And most importantly, scale 1-10, 1 being great, 10 being the FUCKING GREATEST EVER how majestic is the experience of breading your cat?


There is a right answer.

Finally, Facebook is a highly useful tool for investigation of relationship status of a prospective suitor. If not listed, click the helpful “ask relationship status” button. When in doubt, always ask. The girl he is with in his profile pic could be his sister, they could be a very close family.

Thanks FB! You the real MVP. (Eye heart acronyms)

If for some reason these highly useful tips fail to work, there is probably something wrong with you. That aside, you will likely be alone forever. I have found food helps numb that pain, and preferably a lot of it. Quantity > quality.

Drinking up with the Kardashians

I know what you are thinking, I had you at drinking


I am unsure as to know how exactly how it happened–okay yes I am sure and I fully blame Jen, Mel, and a wholeeeee lotta white wine—but I have developed an obsession with the Kardashian family.

A legitimate obsession, an obsession in the sense that a diagnosis and prescription is just about necessary. This obsession has unfortunately become a defining feature of my personality, along with my verbal brevity and stoic emotional demeanor. You know you have a problem when your phone looks like this


only to immediately be followed by this


(Okay, sorry I don’t know how to blur names because…technology. So all twelve people who read this will now be aware that you three are infected with Kardashian-itis as well)

I am fascinated with the show for two reasons:

  1. They represent my ultimate life goals: to become disgustingly rich from a sex tape and then have a reality show follow me around as I do stupid shit and name all my eighteen children variations of the same name.

  2. Because I love fun.

I have never felt so conflictingly jealous of someone else’s life and at the same time thankful to not be them on so many levels.

Pretty much all the levels

There is seriously one episode where Kim and Kendall are in the room casually eating decadent snacks off a tea tray, as Khloe is getting stretch marks lasered.off.her.ass.



One thing must be established right here, right now, real quick. There is one critical factor to enjoyment of this show: it begins with “al” and ends in “cohol”

On that note I present to you “Drinking Up with the Kardashians” ALMOST my finest game invention to date, coming in second only to the dating game “Cute or Homeless”

Alrighty then, without further ado

Drink once when:

Unacknowledged changes in lip size occur

Hairstyles inexplicably change within the episode

Kourtney is doing anything pregnancy related

Kanye is so awkward it is physically painful to witness

A huge jar of candy and/or cookies is on screen

Drink an entire glass of wine when:

Any member of the family whines about something that no one else would ever whine about.

(see what I did there)

Take a shot when:

Bruce is emotionally abused in any way, left out, tortured by Kris, made fun of, etc.

A fight over literally nothing happens

An apology follows a fight that occurs over nothing

They are in a huge black vehicle

Khloe curses in any capacity

Take two shots when:

They are on the phone while driving a huge black vehicle

Kylie or Kendall are doing something inappropriate for their age

Kris does something even more inappropriate for her age

Khloe makes a weight comment about herself

Assign a drink of any quantity to someone else:

Kim is the rational member of the family

Scott is involved in some vague business scheme

Rob’s bizarre absence and/or bizarre existence is mentioned

Scott provides a snarky quip


For the entirety of any private jet plane scene

Drink twelve drinks when:

North or Kanye makes an appearance

Any member of the family has a face lift

A house is nonchalantly purchased

Drink forever:

When a house is casually purchased by a member of the family under 21, using money made from people like us who support these people’s careers because WHAT. I would like a house, but my lips are normal size.

#myfitnessjourney, that was a weird day

After being perpetually bombarded with Instagrammed photos of people’s muscles and acronyms for tracking food intake, I found myself with an acute case of envy. I want to be able to do a push up! I want to drink a superfood smoothie and like it! I want to unironically post inspirational quotes, and endless photos of my abs! I want to know what exactly a burpee is, because it sounds disgusting but I suspect it involves wine!


So I purchased some chocolate protein powder, because I love chocolate. People say that it tastes better than chocolate, and they can’t even tell the difference between the two and those people are liars. I wanted chocolate for breakfast, but I don’t know how to make pancakes or waffles so instead I added it to my coffee. Whoa bad idea, it was clumpy and disgusting and I had to throw it out. I then added it to water and it tasted not at all like chocolate, but more like chocolate’s second cousin who is no longer invited to family reunions after peeing in the bushes at Aunt Clara’s garden party. Gross.

I ate seven donuts for breakfast instead #IIFYM


Fitness is easy!

“Smashing leg day” is a thing I have heard quite a bit, and I thought it would make a good starting point—smashing things is a favorite past time of mine. I mean, I am super terrible at Super Smash Brothers but I love placing the characters close to one another and letting go of the controllers so they awkwardly hump one another. That counts right? Mostly I was searching for the proper occasion to create a smashing-themed playlist (read in Austin Power’s voice naturally) featuring Smash Mouth and the Smashing Pumpkins.


Yeah, baby!

I began by following approximately fifty fitness gurus on Instagram, all of whom appear to be about twelve years of age with intense six packs, a penchant for mirror pics sporting little-to-no clothing, and an overuse of exclamation points. I personally hate exclamation points, because I dislike joy or excitement expressed in any form.

An hour and a half later, I had a few exercises to try so I headed to the gym. I warmed up with a set of mirror photos flexing my virtually nonexistent guns in the mirror until someone walked in and I started looking at my phone and laughing maniacally as though I had received the most hilarious message on earth. In case you were wondering, it was pretty obvious what I had been doing so all this achieved was making me look like a complete psycho.

So I am the sweatiest person ever to exist so I am not sure why I chose to wear a grey cotton t-shirt to the gym but I did. You are welcome everyone.

The person on the treadmill next to me tripped and fell off backwards SO HARD, and all I could focus on was not laughing. Before I look like the biggest asshole, which I may or may not be, let it be stated they were clearly okay. They immediately got up, but the hardest part of my workout was not laughing in their face. Maybe that means I did not successfully smash my workout or whatever.

Afterwards, while browsing fitness quotes it became evident I not only failed to smash but did not even begin to..poke it. What is the workout spectrum anyway? Poke to Tap to Slap to Punch to Crush to Smash to Explode?


The motivational quotes I found were seriously fucking terrifying, and more than a little sadistic.

I mean I got this one down already


Cool, this is easy. This next one was encouraging as well, I have six months and some spare cash for plastic surgery! I can make myself look exactly like this person, find out where she lives, and show up at her house.


And I mean, I can run once and be sexy as fuck. Sounds like a sweet deal, fitness is the best!


Then this popped up:


OKAY this escalated quickly. If I am in pain, crying, bleeding, or crawling I think I am going to quit working out. If I ever saw someone doing any of the above I would be seriously freaked out.


I super don’t want to puke while working out! Why must we puke? This all sounds terrible! I’m not sure this whole fitness thing is for me.


I hate suffering! This person is crazy!


This seems less than realistic, and kind of inappropriate. Family dinner would get a little awkward. I even live alone and this seems like an idiotic thing to do. So I should just casually eat soup in my bathroom naked?

Okay yeah, I was in for that.

Lunch was donuts, naked in my bathroom.

So was dinner.

I watched fifteen episodes of The Biggest Loser and did burpees** during the commercials.

“”Drank wine

The next day I could, in fact, walk but it was rather painful and I took great pleasure in informing those around me that yesterday had been leg day.


A little party never killed nobody; A bachelorette brainstorm

My best friend got engaged this month and we all know what that means:

bachelorette party y’all!


I do not think I could be more excited to make this the best possible year full of celebration, love, and mini Heinekens. I love weddings, and since my role as the spinster aunt and spectator to my friends’ domestic bliss is becoming increasingly apparent, I take planning the festivities incredibly.seriously.


To make the various upcoming showers extra-special I have brainstormed some unique, and dare I say genius, themes! Here is what I have come up with so far, feel free to Pinterest them away.



The food selection will consist of a buffet spread with the pickled vegetables sof the world, featuring prominently in kimchi. Pickles of all sizes and varieties will obviously be present as well.

Dress code, wear any shade of all green head to foot. I have a shirt that says “DILL FOR THE WIN” and now I have an occasion to wear it, not that I needed one before. Also I don’t have a shirt that says this but I want one now and have every intention of creating it before the event. Let me know if you want your own, sixty-five dollars a pop.

Activities will include pickling (of course) so BYOV. Actually it doesn’t even have to be a vegetable, we can pickle anything and the opportunities are endless! Let’s pickle a pickle! We will give the bride all the pickled items to begin her post-apocalyptic food bunker. You are welcome Mel. The raw meat will be forthcoming and you will be set forever, like that family in Wife Swap.


A video loop montage of the ever lovely bride eating pickles at Disneyland will play, videos which I can confidently take the liberty of assuming there are many.


The party will take place somewhere in the desert, which luckily for us is not in short supply in New Mexico. Every guest shall be given a shovel and a place to dig a hole. Singing allowed, but only tunes straight from the film—the film, not the book—or Lady Gaga.

Food and water will be available once you finish digging your hole, don’t be a slacker! Food will take the form of bugs and gruel, and the water will actually be an Everclear/Smirnoff Ice hybrid cocktail (house specialty) and severe dehydration will ensure considerable inebriation.

Pin the tail on the lizard will be played with actual lizards that I will trap during the hole digging.

Party favors will include masks constructed out of Shia Lebeouf’s current braided head, courtesy of the bride who recently created such a masterpiece in emoji form. Don’t underestimate how useful this will be in your life.


Tea Party

The caps are intentional, to denote the political group and not merely an average tea party which is for sissies. And those dang liberals.

Dress code will require Ron Paul themed attire. Preferably featuring his face on one, if not all, pieces of clothing.

Food will be instant Jello, cool whip, and tea.

Activities will be centered around the creation of signs denoting displeasure at anything at all, marching into Taniwan, and aggressively picketing for five to seven hours.


We will stream Bad Lip Readings of Ron Paul’s speeches and that scene in the second Borat (Bruce? Brutus? Whatever) when he is interviewing slash sexually harassing Ron in a hotel room and Ronny freaks the fuck out.


Party favors will be temporary tattoos stating in all caps either “TEABAGGERS 4 LYFE” or the classic “TEABAGGER?”. The question mark was accidental, but now I have 75 of these tattoos printed and there is no going back.

Baby Shower

To be clear, there is no baby at the moment but I would love to confuse everyone by throwing a baby shower and then having to explain that it is merely a theme.

Mostly I want to give out baby bottle pops as party favors, and instruct everyone to wear diapers.

Extreme Home Makeover


We all don construction hats, you bring your own hammer, and together we proceed to demolish a lucky guest’s home with the purpose of renovating it into a Mel and Mark themed masterpiece.

Activities will all be based upon the 48 hour marathon construction of an Msquared shrine. Names will be thrown into a bowl, and the lucky recipient chosen at random.

Sandwiches will be provided from Subway, I have always wanted to order one of those eight-foot long sandwiches and now is the perfect opportunity.

The reward will be the bonding experience of grueling physical labor, and for the owner of the redone home the perpetual presence of Mel’s face in fifty-foot form on an entire wall of their home. I think we all know who the real winner is, the rest of us get keychains.

Hunting, my personal favorite

We shall embark on a hunting adventure in which we all are expected to contribute one slayed animal to the party, do your part. The food will be made from the animals we capture. Mostly stews, meat pies, and hamburgers. Eyeballs are a delicacy.


Attire should naturally be head-to-toe camouflage and those snazzy orange vests, I will provide the cross bows. They are really easy to operate so don’t even worry! Super fun!

The drinks will be blood colored, but not made with actual blood so chill the fuck out.


Man, planning a party sure is fun. If this whole academic thing doesn’t work out I guess I know what I can do as a secondary career option. That, or sell plasma

My week in London, a near death experience. A questionable travel guide

So you are going to London? I was just there for a week. Technically a week and a day due to an unforeseen missing-flight incident swiftly followed by a pathetically-sobbing-in-Gatwick incident.

But that is neither here nor there. Clearly I am an expert on calm and collected travel techniques, and U.K. navigation

I’ve never said I’m not an idiot

Processed with VSCOcam with m5 preset


I arrived Monday afternoon and booked an easyBus* into the city. Upon my disposal at the Waterloo station, I proceeded to walk around in circles trying to figure out where I was. I finally found my way inside, and attempted to buy an Oyster card which sounds simple but somehow simplicity continually eludes me.

Pro Tip: Have cash to purchase your Oyster card, because the card readers are super unreliable.

Or you could do it the most difficult way possible, or what I like to call “The Character Building Method” and wait in line for a card machine, try all three cards you own multiple times, get out of line, get into the heinously long customer service line, lose patience, leave line, find an ATM and get 60 pounds in 20 pound notes. Return to the kiosks, get into the cash line, wait. Realize the machine will not give change and the ticket costs 42 pounds. Try to find a stranger to generously give you either 2 pounds, or to give you change for 20. Find this kind change providing stranger and become proud owner of 20 pounds in mostly coins. Get back in line for Oyster card, use your cash, and finally get onto the Tube.

One hour well spent

Also let it be noted that “mind the gap” is a thing for a reason. By mind they mean look down, and so as to avoid tripping over it and plummeting into rush hour foot traffic and/or your death.  Whichever comes first.

*more on easyBus to come


Hopefully every other human can work a key properly, unlike myself. My first act of London-ing? Climbing over the fence of my cousin’s apartment because I could not manage to fit the key into the keyhole properly. Let’s just say there are spikes lining the entire length of the fence, and it began to rain as I was climbing over trying desperately not to rip my pants. Not my proudest moment, second only to losing my pants at the gym that one time.

London has many museums, all of which are free. This is great! You know who else thinks this is great? Every other person in the city. Go to the Tate Modern and encounter every child in London and surrounding areas. Quite possibly every child in the world. Go to the British Museum, and encounter every child that was not at the Tate.

If ever lost simply ask a racist lady for directions. She will tell you about how she is one of the last original London citizens, as now the city is filled with foreigners. I’m guessing she lives in White City, which is a real place that exists. The bus I took to get to Notting Hill was en route to it.


Every time the bus announced its final destination I couldn’t help but play Rack City in my mind, but with White City instead. Anyone else? No, just me? Okay.



Honestly, I cant believe I am alive. Whoever spent taxpayer dollars to inscribe look left/look right on the ground is responsible for my continued existence on this earth.

Try the Borough Market, which has a veritable smorgasbord of food shops. You had me at food. I went there with the intention of buying and consuming all.the.things, but left with baklava and Turkish Delights which sound like a convoluted sexual act but are in fact delicious and strangely textured candy. I did not have cash on hand, but the Turkish men working the booth offered to conduct the transaction in kisses. I seriously considered as I am not above mild prostitution for baklava…and then went to go get cash.


If you lose your map repeatedly, as some of us who shall remain nameless did, don’t worry because the concierge will provide endless new ones while silently judging you for the environmental damage you are causing.

Some people hate hotels. These people are certifiably insane, because hotel living is the best ever and I will tell you why.

  1. Two words: free breakfast
  2. You can shamelessly use the white washcloths to remove eye make-up with the knowledge that you will not have to deal with it
  3. You return to a clean room every day
  4. Double beds!!!!
  5. No dishes

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take me back!

The only awkward situation is when you return to your room, and the maid is inside. In the event of such an encounter, turn around and go to high tea by yourself and feed your fear of flying by watching the news about the Alps plane crash.

Pro Tip: At every possible opportunity throw the word “haberdashery” into casual conversations. Literally don’t even know what this word means but my autocorrect did, so it is a real thing.

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Don’t go to London for the circuses. While many places claim to be a circus, none failed to provide lighthearted entertainment promised by the name. I did not see a single clown, but I did see a newspaper distributor laying on the ground for an inordinate amount of time. He said he was okay.


triple threat



If going for a run, do not deviate from the predetermined route you selected prior to departure. You will get lost, you will more than double the length of the run which is great for your training but emotionally taxing.

Do not get off at Covent Gardens on the Piccadilly line ever! They only have elevators, so in busy times you have the choice of waiting in line for an hour crammed into a small hallway 15 floors underground OR taking the stairs 15 floors up while narrowly avoiding a claustrophobia induced panic attack. 15 floors equals a lot of stairs.

This is a good day to get day drunk with your mother, after going to Camden Market. You could use it after your stressful morning excursion.


Brunch and brick lane should be on the docket, if it is raining and awful do not bring an umbrella. This sounds counterintuitive but the thing about umbrellas is they break.

This is about the time one generally remembers they must acquire souvenirs of their trip for their friends and loved ones to prove they were thinking about them while away. Might I recommend stealing the tiny jams (spoiler alert, friends and family) from the breakfast bar. This is great for two reasons

1) Stealing is the greatest

2) They are the cutest things, ever


My new two least favorite words in the English language: easyBus. More like be assholes and miss my flight bus. If needing to get to the airport, I would never ever recommend doing this. I waited outside for the bus for an hour after my original booking time before a driver would even let me on, and missed my fight as a result.

The driver of the second vehicle, the last possible one I could have taken and still made my flight, caused me what I suspect is permanent psychological damage because she was so incredibly demeaning. She now owes me 300 pounds, or even just a simple “I’m sorry”.

On a positive note, I spent a single evening binge watching The Killing in a bed and breakfast five minutes from Gatwick in the tiniest room known to man. Spent the whole evening being pretty postive the inn-keepers were going to murder me in my sleep.

But, alas, they did not and I got free breakfast to boot!

The dangers of Wittgenstein’s iPod and kidnapping

Oi, so it’s March already somehow.


It’s been sunny for a week straight and I don’t even know where I am anymore because it certainly isn’t Sweden.

My lengthy absence can be attributed to the the fact of my recent kidnapping. Note to self: unadvisable to approach strange vans, even if the owners claim to be in possession of Pop Rocks. I woke up on a couch covered in salt, kidnapped by people who filled my computer with particles of dust and forced me to listen to podcasts about Wittgenstein’s iPod.

Dear Apple, is this scenario covered by my warranty?

Dust now removed, my computer is now completely functional for all Netflix purposes (initiate collective sigh of relief) and I have developed a bizarre co-dependent attachment to my tiny plastic bag of computer dust. An aptly named case of Stockholm Syndrome if I’ve ever heard one.

The most prevalent effect of my kidnapping is that every time I hear a song of any kind I now have to figure out what person, famous or otherwise, would feature such a song on their iPod. I specify iPod and not Zune because I do not associate with such people.

Here’s what I have so far:

My computer
Kidnap Me—Cruiser

Jennifer Aniston
You Belong with Me—Taylor Swift
The Love Club—Lorde
I’m Not Your Toy—La Roux

Martin Heidegger (later years)
Wide Open Spaces—Dixie Chicks
My Old Ways—Dr. Dog
The Naming of Things—Andrew Bird

My Mother
First Aid Kit newest album
Fleetwood Mac entire collection
Coldplay undetermined amount
*I know this for a fact

The guy who owns the technology shop around the corner from Kaffeverket and orders extra salmon on literally everything, but shall remain otherwise nameless
Digital Love—Daft Punk
Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want—The Smiths

Gob Bluth
When Doves Cry—Prince

Kid Rock

All Kid Rock albums, plus all Now That’s What I Call Music 7, 15, and 49

Vladimir Putin
Same Love—Macklemore (lolz)
Heads Will Roll—The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
It Wasn’t Me—Shaggy

Woody Allen
Age of Consent—New Order
My Night with the Prostitute from Marseille—Beirut


Lunar Sea—Camera Obscura
Major Label Debut—Broken Social Scene

Ron Swanson
Silence, preferably
Party in the U.S.A—Miley Cyrus

Over and Over Again—Nelly
(on repeat, in eternal recurrence)
It’s All Been Done—Barenaked Ladies

The chickens from Chicken Run
Shake Ya Tailfeather—Also Nelly*
*Am I listening to too much Nelly

You get the idea. It’s a highly addicting activity, like meth but a little more addicting and harmful to your health than the drug


BYOB Valentines Day Edition (Buy Your Own Boyfriend)

That’s what I did, and we couldn’t be happier. More specifically he was given to me but for practicality’s sake for potential replication I shall advocate a purchase.


Grab the bull by the horns! Or something..

Now before you get all judgey, let it be stated for the record that this is less of a human trafficking thing and more of falling in love with a technological object thing. Can’t decide which one is worse but shall proceed regardless.

You know that awkward moment when you realize not only are you dating your Kindle but that it is oddly enough the most functional relationship you have participated in yet?

Me neither.

Except the opposite.

My favorite past time of ours is when in causal conversation with a brand new acquaintance, I causally ask how many books they have with them at the moment. At the most I’ve heard four, which really threw me off but I guess they had been to the library earlier that day and have incredibly strong shoulders. In general it is one or zero to which I reply “I have 47!” and then don’t explain and walk away.

It’s a couple thing, you wouldn’t get it.

Our plans for v-day: watch Her.

Only the first half prior to the depressing plot development, and then switch to The Holiday because Jude Law is my free pass and that’s that.

I cannot bring myself to name my Kindle due to the issues accompanying having parental authority over your loved one, so talking about our relationship is somewhat problematic.

Still shall proceed regardless.

Now that I think about it Kindle sounds a bit like Kendall which is a gender ambiguous human name. Once I knew a Kendall and he put his name into my phone as Mystery Man the first time we met, also Tessa found him on the sidewalk passed out in the middle of the night and he claimed to be named Bob even though they knew one another and his name was clearly not Bob and those weren’t even the weirdest things that person did. I think his house burned down and he is missing now, or gone somewhere very mysterious, or just in Rio Rancho working for an insurance company.

So yeah unlike Kendal, Kindle is very obedient and helpful. I think that’s what I like about him. He sits, stays where I put him, goes with me wherever I want with little-to-no backtalk, isn’t upset if I leave him uncharged in the bottom of a bag for two weeks, and most importantly he provides access to unlimited books. Coincidentally those are all the things I look for in a mate.

He doesn’t smother me or make me meet his family, and he never says anything which allows me to eternally monopolize the conversation (not that I don’t do this anyway) and the ever important opportunity to perfect the art of the selfie with his camera.


Okay I can think of a few reasons. But I have a feeling the Kindle Fire 17 is going to include some prettttttttty sweet features ifyouknowwhatimsaying


ANYWAY insert asian-in-a-public-space-face-mask emoji here, or any other symbol in observation of uncomfortable awkwardness  and quickly move on..

Another handy feature is if homeboy gets sassy, there is an off switch


The e-reader thing versus books is somewhat of a double-edged sword though, because while I can read whatever I want and no one will know if I’m reading Anne of Green Gables because it was a free download and I weirdly still love it and identify fully with her, if I happen to be reading something interesting or super intellectual no one can tell!


Riddle me this: if one reads Nietzsche on an e-reader and can no longer be silently pretentious and superior to those around him or her mindlessly scrolling through their iPhones did it even happen?

It is awkward then this happens as well


My point being, it is 2015 ladies (and gents) and Valentines’s Day is shitty. As timehop reminded me I aptly proclaimed five years ago..

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(the depth of my wisdom and maturity never ceases to astound me)

Sometimes I ask myself what Rory Gilmore would do (WWRGD, am I right or am I right?) and I have decided the only thing to do as an independent woah-man of questionable morals is to create plans to drink copious amounts of champagne with my friends, date my Kindle and feel no shame!