Hiya party people! It’s now past mid-October, to state the obvious, and that means we are all doing two things: drinking hot beverages and frantically googling clever halloween costumes. Fear not brave souls, for I have applied the vast scientific knowledge I have acquired by studying literature to this very issue and performed what most call a miracle.
I call it Monday.
Here’s how it works, simply locate your hot beverage of choice this fall on this list, and your perfect costume suggestion awaits! Thank me later, preferably by shipping green chile to Sweden in a mass of hot air balloons. kthanksbye.
Ah, the most non-committal of espresso drinks. Fifty-percent of you desires pure caffeination while the other fifty is a little bitch. That’s cool though, I support your indecision. You know who else has difficulty sticking to one thing? That’s right, Taylor Swift. Whether it be musical genre or sexy time partner that gal is not known for continuity. SO for you, indecisive consumer of halves, might I suggest the embodiment of a T-Swift song this Halloween..
Blank Space: Wear all black with a blank white piece of paper/posterboard/sticky note, etc.
Shake It Off: Carry a shake weight with the word “it” written on it. Done.
Teardrops on my Guitar: Carry a guitar, with fake tear drops on it.
Who do you think you are?! Jared, that is who you are. Get yourself some enormous pants to walk around in, a subway sandwich, glasses, and a posse of underage girls.
Look at you, hip little thang! Ironically endorsing pop culture tops your C.V. Hobbies include Keeping up with the Kardashians, but only jokingly. It is only appropriate that you embody north west, the direction not the person, this Hallow’s eve. Are Halloween and Hallow’s eve the same thing? Or is Hallow’s eve the day before. Either way–be north west, not North West, ahem.
What a classic drink! I say this in the least personally biased manner, but drinkers of this beverage clearly have exceptional taste and must excel at all things life related. Except Microsoft Excel because I mean there are limitations to genius, after all. Based on my research, consumers off this particular drink obsessively love podcasts and crosswords (guilty). I proclaim the podcast “Limetown” as the suitable costume for you. For the rest of you, listen to Limetown immediately.
Ayayay mamacita! You need a costume as spicy as your fall drink. I don’t even think there is one, so why not dress up precisely as this concoction?
Pumpkin Spiced Latte
First of all, how dare you. Second of all, how dare you.
Kidding, really it’s fine. We are all super judging you, but it’s fine.
Clearly you don’t enjoy and/or respect all that is coffee and I will super key your car later, but not before suggesting you dress your trendy crossfitted little body up as a sexy iPhone for Halloween. This will aptly showcase your ability to slut-up virtually anything! Coincidentally this happens to be my specialty, so if you need any tips I got your back.
You love breakfast, I am guessing, and your google calendar and sweaters and practicality. All on board with those. I deem breakfast as your 2015 Halloween attire. Do with it what you will, felt seems like a useful tool. You will, however, never surpass the following dog or child in cuteness.
Studies show this market to be politically relevant, intellectual devils. Sipping on your tiny drink, the most efficient of coffee drinks. Enjoyment of coffee is for the homeless. You prefer to get your fix ASAP, and proceed to kicking ass all day. Have you heard of Donald Trump? He is this super great guy with super great political suggestions. How about you dress yourself up as one of them this 31st? You would look mighty fine as “the wall”.
Extra points if you somehow work a window in there. OR IF SOMEONE DRESSED UP AS A WINDOW AND YOU DRESSED UP AS A WALL. Okay. Greatest idea ever. Couples costume.
You are a ghost. And traitor to humanity but that is neither here nor there.