naked stranger breaks in, eats cat’s food

Happy 2014! In honor of the arrival of the future, I thought I would point out the shining star of this preceding year: New Mexico. And not because of our media fame (Breaking Bad Shmaking Bad) or kick-ass legislation (Gay Marriage!) but because of the the humble citizens of this great state and their wonderful and innovative ideas. Anyone who follows the ABQ journal on Twitter is already well aware that the caliber and content of our humble local news is the highest in the land. Dedication to publicizing New Mexican lunacy is much appreciated. For this, thank you NM news sources.


I think a slow clap is more than appropriate


In terms of New Mexico news, each night it is not a question of if someone was murdered but instead of who was the victim and whether or not it was idiotic and entirely preventable (Spoiler: yes, and incredibly so).

A brief recap of the Christmas news best exemplifies my point. After our celebratory meal was consumed and my family was in a post-holiday daze, we all gathered to watch the local news. We were in for more of a treat than I ever expected.

They kicked off the session with the classic story of the drunk driver who crashed his car on I-40 above the Rio Grande and proceeded to get out of the car and attempt to jump over to the median. Unfortunately for him, there is no median to be spoken of in this stretch of freeway. Instead of jumping to safety, this poor fellow fell through onto a dry section of the river and to his death. Apparently the paramedics had to rappel down to the body and then do a water rescue to remove him.

Merry Christmas everyone!

The next story was an in depth discussion of the Pope’s popularity and featured multiple interviews outside of ABQ’s finest Catholic churches. BREAKING NEWS: People going to church. Mindblowing.

The third story really blew the lid off of the previously unexposed cinematic conspiracy currently overtaking our little city. You might be unaware of this, but Christmas night movie attendance is evidently very high. They sent their best reporter down to get the scoop. He interviewed a man, who we shall call Michael Filmgoer, whose identity was more specifically labeled under his given name as “man taking his family to the movies”. As is that was not completely obvious from the context of the story, and the interview itself. Turns out Michael ohsogenerously buys TWENTY TO THIRTY tickets for the entirety of his family to attend the movies every Christmas night. As much as I find violent action movies and thrillers to be a totally appropriate as post-festivity activity, this seems incredibly expensive. Seriously, has no one heard of Netflix?

Also notable in my opinion, though not by the news as they just breezed through the options like they were completely normal, is the movies that are chosen to be released on this glorious day.


They are no doubt capitalizing of the the tension building between members of families that need to be released through violence of others, rather than between grandma and Uncle David. Nobody wants another gravy burn debacle of 1994—Aunt Ethel’s face is permanently scarred and Grandpa is still terrified of the upstairs closet. Much better to go watch a balding, enormous Hulk knock-off destroy a village as a family then take out this aggression on one another. Or there is always Justin Bieber’s movie, because it turns out something can be more annoying that Great-Aunt Lucy’s couponing stories.

The reporter leaves us with this insightful information, “I asked the theater for the number of just how many people were in attendance this evening. They said they could not disclose that information, but it was REALLY crowded in there. Back to you Doug”

Returning from a short commercial break, a story about the theft and vandalism issue faced by Albuquerque schools during winter and summer break followed. Because in New Mexico, people find the best place to ransack, steal, and pillage is educational institutions. Our criminals are nothing if not opportunistic. They don’t seem to mind that their actions are directly parallel to taking candy from a baby—in both the ease of doing so and the fact that it is literally stealing from children. If you are going to commit a crime, just rob a jewelry store like anyone else. The most appalling part of it all is that the people breaking into our schools are not only stealing computers, but just destroying the classrooms for fun! Example: throwing toilet paper everywhere, overturning chairs and desks and blasting equipment with the fire extinguishers. Result: 30 to 40 thousand dollars of damage. And we wonder why APS education is so shitty.

The coup de grace of the news program was no doubt the longest segment about the rescue of a cat from the top of a light post earlier the morning. This clever kitty had somehow climbed up an electrical line, and it took some poor firemen hours to get it down.

And that, is an example of what to expect when your profession is to report on New Mexicans. I leave you with this video link and the explanation for the title of this post:



Because that happened


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