Suggestions

Happy mid-Jaunary everybody! How are everyone’s resolutions going? As confident as I am that your practical lemon-water-with-cayenne-concoction-hot-yoga-six-times-a-day-to-lose-15-pounds-in-a-week regimen is going successfully, I thought I would offer up some suggestions to do with the rest of your month assuming that you have not succumbed to hunger induced psychosis and eaten your neighbor’s dog. Though I am unsure whether this is technically grounds for criminal conviction, it would no doubt leave you tied up in a legal battle for quite some time.

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For the rest of us, who have either had the wise foresight to not set resolutions at all or whose resolve to keep them expired at the two week mark (i.e. 99 percent of the population) January can be a pretty uneventful month following the holiday extravaganza that is the Fall. Activities, appropriate food consumption, and the development of useful skills help to alleviate the depression that ensues as a result of the anticlimactic early months of the year.

1) A personal favorite of mine for all times of the year is to start verbally referring to things that are merely coincidental or unexpected as “ironic” a la Alanis Morrisette. The more frequently you do this, the more people love it and respect you. Irony is just so incredibly intellectual, and the louder you discuss it further establishes your position as an authority on rhetorical devices.

Example, as demonstrated by the woman in front of me in line for coffee. “NANCY! I DIDNT EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE TODAY, HOW IRONIC! I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU”

2) Take advantage of this T-shirt weather in January and go for a hike! In a T-shirt! Make sure to Instagram it so everyone know you did it. Use a minimum six hashtags, obviously. #beautifulday #onahike #sun #mountains #albuquerque #foothills #beautiful #globalwarming

3) Despite the weather indicating the contrary, it is still winter so honor this by making the coziest meal of all: Soup! I personally have been thinking about this one.

4) Watch the new season of Downton Abbey illegally online! Obviously, I can’t wait for a new episode to come out every Sunday, what year are we living in? 2001? I didn’t realize Justin Timberlake still looked like a Cabbage Patch doll, and that N-Sync was still a thing (Also Lance Bass still straight).

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 How did we miss that one people?

5) Watch the Inhabitants of Burque video of homeless people dancing to a Pharrell song from the Despicable Me 2 soundtrack, and form an stark opinion. Then go to the IOB Facebook page and voice it. Comment extensively on each and every feed. WARNING: if it is a negative opinion, you will likely get blocked. But despair not! Just continue to rant about it on your own page. This drama is all I’ve been reading this week—who needs Real Housewives of Whatever when you have your own personal version unfolding on your home feed?

The real question: who is Tamara, and who is Gretchen? Or should it be Teresa and Melissa? Kim and NeNe? The options are truly endless.

6) Prepare for your imminent quarter life (female) crisis by stocking up on books that address this very issue

7) Go see Her, with me

8) Give those around you new nicknames for the new year, make them as nonsensical as possible and enforce them adamantly. For example the Malefic Trout, Cake Badger, Auntie Pickle Bottom, or any character from Rugrats.

9) New drinking game! Every time you hear that new god awful song by One Republic about “chasing stars” you take a drink. Now I am neither encouraging nor discouraging filling a water bottle up with wine and keeping it in your car for such occasions. I will say that every time I turn on my car radio that only gets partial signal from five stations, two of which are 95.1 and 93.3, I desire such a water bottle. I wish I was kidding that song comes on EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I get in my vehicle. Every time. Second only to Bruno Mars monstrosities, for whatever reason One Republic makes my ears bleed.

How ironic**

Eh okay, those are all the suggestions I have for the moment. I wish you luck!

** See #1

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