I am verbing this noun so adverbly

Funny story . Turns out keyboards and water are two things that while both arguably necessary for life** should fulfill their respective roles separately. As in don’t get water on your keyboard. As in don’t take your laptop into the bathroom while you shower. As in plunging your sink, no matter how clogged up, is always a bad and disgusting idea. As in when water gets on your computer maybe think to dry it off and not close/leave it for hours on end and then expect it to miraculously work upon your return. As in don’t be an idiot.

Did I mention, don’t be an idiot?

Okay good.

**WARNING: first world opinion

Luckily for me, this whole computer snafu occurred at an ideal time. One in which I do not actually need a computer at all, and have had very little time to be on it aside from clicking through my bookmarked pages and indulging in an occasional 1 am Pride and Prejudice miniseries binge session. I LOVE YOU COLIN FIRTH. So much.

Anywhoo this aforementioned lack of computer time on my part has been due to my most recent endeavor: the world of snack time, crying children, and wanting to pull my hair out. Not an episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8, but substitute teaching.

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I knew this was the ideal career for me right now on my very first class, on my very first day. The 6th grade monsters of Polk Middle School collectively embarked on a great journey of driving me insane slowly. And by slowly, I mean immediately and in the most horrific manner possible. I was transported back to the time I had conveniently blocked out of my memory: middle school. Let’s just say I remembered why I hated it so much. Because middle schoolers are assholes. They also really love Axe.

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I’m sorry if that is crass, but someone had to say it. I learned many valuable lessons this day. The lessons began with me being given the wrong room number for the teacher I was filling in for. It took me a solid ten minutes of strolling around the room attempting to figure out where on Earth the lesson plan was and what subject I even taught before I realized a mistake must have been made. There were many clues to this I could have picked up on right from the beginning, including that the door itself was already open when I arrived and the lights on. The teacher’s computer and lunch should have been clue number two. But as I said, ten minutes at the very least I was in this persons classroom going through her desk trying to find attendance or ANYTHING to help.

First piece of advice for anyone pursuing subbing: make sure you are in the right room. Always helpful.

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FIRST LESSON:

I have the same trashy music taste as 6th graders. This is likely due to some combination of me having horrible musical inclinations, and them being just way cooler than me. I am many things, but hip is just not one of them.

SECOND LESSON:

Never say the word “hip” when speaking to middle schoolers. Just don’t. Definitely not hip.

THIRD LESSON:

Speaking of music, apparently there is a song called “Rednose”. In case you were wondering, it IS about—and I quote, “Shaking your booty like a red-nose Pitbull”. My last name is incredibly close to this, hence how the existence of the song came up. I’ll let you fill in the blanks on this one.

FOURTH LESSON:

A male human about 11 years of age (that’s how old they are right?) can fit eight Oreos into his mouth at a time.

FIFTH LESSON:

Eating eight Oreos at a time will cause said 11 year-old male to puke.

SIXTH LESSON:

Maybe don’t let children ingest high quantities of sugar in the classroom (See lessons 4 and 5) at Ten a.m.

Or ever. Let’s just go with ever.. Sugar plus children equals bad. Avoid that.

SEVENTH LESSON:

Pencils and pens make excellent stabbing devices

Other lessons were learned through the next few weeks, like

EIGHTH LESSON:

When teaching P.E. bring a whistle.

NINTH LESSON:

Making jokes to high school freshman about sword fighting to the death as the P.E. activity is unadvisable. They will take you seriously and be legitimately pissed when you say JUST KIDDING PLAY BASKETBALL FOR AN HOUR!!!

TENTH LESSON:

Have more than two games in your repetoire for elementary school. Only the dumb kids will be satisfied with hangman and heads-up seven up

ELEVENTH LESSON:

Wear something cool. Also something that shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are not pregnant. Because I was asked that, and it hurt! The second graders also were not fans of my Keds. When in doubt, wear Jordans or Nikes or something cooler than the “baby shoes” I was wearing. I was unaware that this was Fashion Police night at the Oscars, sheesh.

 

TWELFTH LESSON:

When feeling frustrated and alone, google teacher humor for some solidarity. Most importantly you will find the plethora of Ryan Gosling memes directed towards teachers.

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Thanks dude

 

 

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