Breaking and highly informational and important and grammatically correct news

 

Okay, so before I begin this highly intellectual conversation with myself I would like to first state a quick disclaimer: I don’t watch The Bachelor. While I have no excuse for my multitude of other flaws, I can honestly say that my experience with the show can be summarized as 30 minutes of an introductory muted episode and then nothing more.

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Those 30 minutes occurred because of the physical attraction I felt towards Jake Whatshisface that was on a solid 7 seasons ago or something. He was a babe.. no regrets! ^^That is not Jake, though he is kind of a babe as well.

 

The premise of the show itself is questionable. I fail to see how any of these people can claim to be searching for love or companionship. Maybe I have just read too many Jane Austen novels, and God knows too many romantic comedies (so sue me!) but I refuse to believe that this is how love happens. It appears the only thing one can successfully acquire on this program is some kind of infection from the sexed up hot tubs they are always fornicating in drunkenly.

 

BUT I DIGRESS.

 

I bring this issue up because my recent travel has increased my exposure to various media sources, such as magazines, and given me the time to familiarize myself with celebrity activity. The primary topic of the gossip mag realm recently is how the guy from this season’s Bachelor is an let’s say…unpleasant individual. Now, this is supposedly in juxtaposition to the gentlemen featured on previous seasons. The type of person who willingly signs up to be the object for 20 women in a COMPETITION for your love on a reality show whose object is an engagement within a month span and determines compatibility through interactions in hot tubs while ingesting large quantities of alcohol can safely be assumed to be along the spectrum of unpleasantness.

 

The currently headlines on US Magazine.com are as follows:

 

Bachelor Drama! 5 Burning Questions About Juan Pablo’s Disastrous Season

 

I assume burning because they are all related to the rashes the contestants are collectively suffering from. I have one word for you all, the answer to each is herpes. You’re welcome.

Chris Harrison on Juan Pablo: “Something just Didn’t Seem Right”

 

Harrison is the host of the show, and evidently prompted Pablo to say “I love you” in the post-finale live update interview thing that they do after a winner is selected. Pablo did not, and the audience was PISSED. How dare he not love this person immediately?! What are we even watching this for?!

 

Juan Pablo, Nikki Ferrell Enjoy First “Real” Date Since Bachelor

They are attempting to be a normal couple, how weird! She has said I love you as prompted to by producers, but he didn’t. GASP. What a dick. How could he not be totally in love with her, when he was debating about potentially choosing another woman/meeting her family and shit before the last commercial break?!

 

Ya Think? Juan Pablo is “So Angry” with Bachelor Team

 

Um. Yeah. Maybe you shouldn’t have signed your life to a television show. However, I find this understandable Juan Pablo.

 

Gross! Find Out What Juan Pablo Whispered to Clare on Helicopter

 

My personal favorite headline, and possibly favorite sentence ever. This is what initially caught my attention to the issue. I’ll leave what was said up to your imagination.

 

This video was equally as informative and hilarious, and came up when I googled information about the bachelor. My conclusion: dude seems normal. And by dude I mean Juan Pablo, not the guy making the video. He clearly has issues and too much free time. \

 

IF NOTHING ELSE TODAY, YOU MUST WATCH THIS VIDEO. It is the best.

 

 

 

 

Moving on.

 

Despite how it appears based on frequency of occurrence, there are other important things going on in the celebrity world according to US Magazine. For those of you who do not make it a habit to follow this news sphere, allow me to get you up to speed.

 

Little People, Big World’s Matt and Amy Roloff are separating after 26 years!

To bigger and better things? Are midget jokes appropriate ever?

 

Miley Cyrus Sings to Statue of Dead Dog Floyd, Welcomes a New Puppy

In case you were wondering, she dedicated Coldplay’s The Scientist to her lost pup. Still trying to connect the dots there. The photo below shows her singing to the statue, which the headline fails to mention is fucking ENORMOUS and one of the top seven creepiest things I have ever seen. Her tween audience is gonna have nightmares about this one for a substantial amount of time.

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Kylie Jenner Rides Elephant After Hilarious Kim Kardashian Selfie

I think the more important headline was the original one that stated “Kim Kardashian Attacked By Elephant While Taking Selfie”

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Blake Shelton, Luke Bryan Prepare to Host ACM Awards: We’re “Either Ready or High”

Ooh Oh! I know this one!

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Okay, I feel all caught up on the celebrity world. Makes me feel like a more stable and regular individual when I read about the dumb shit they all do. However, if someone was documenting my life the headlines would be far less interesting and more depressing.

 

Kallie goes to store! She buys cat food and ice cream: “I’m either ready or high!” Or it’s Friday night.

Adventures on the bus! Kallie’s car is broken, and she now must rely upon the bus and her bike for transportation. She makes a new friend, who offers to house sit for her while she’s gone.

House-sitter robs Kallie’s house! No one saw that coming.

BREAKING NEWS! After a month-long strike and inability to transport laundry basket due to lack of car, laundry is finally washed.

 

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