The perks of being alone forever

The sequel to that other book.

As rewarding as this last hour watching the cockroach my cat brought inside last night, turned upside down, and subsequently forgot squirm and slowly die has been, it has also initiated some reflection on my part. (Most importantly I want to urge you to not fret, Maverick will eat the roach later.)

This is my convoluted way of telling you I joined Tinder for 48 hours and THAT SHIT WAS WEIRD.

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**My god, first off let me warn you to never Google “single humor” because it is just straight up depressing. Turns out, ain’t nothing funny about being alone. Sadly it seems the funny single people are not the ones spending time making memes about being unspoken for.

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Considering my social calendar has not necessarily been conducive to meeting new people, I decided to boldly check out what I was missing from the comfort of my own living room. It’s been like Garfield minus Garfield on repeat over here these days and I figured what the hell! Let’s check out all the tail that is available within a 15 mile radius. The contenders were eclectic to say the least..

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Little did I know all I was missing!

 

Insert terrified emoji here. 

This action only reaffirmed my commitment to being alone forever and ever and ever and ever because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from existentialism is that hell is other people. Okay not all other people. But sometimes you want to do things on your own that you don’t want company for. Like most things that I do, for instance.

Examples:

Playing the Sims for hours on end and killing them off one by one. Or all at once. #simsurvivor #houseonfirewhocanescape #alldoorsandwindowsaredeleted #youcansellurns #nomoreghosts

 

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Watching Sex and the City you rented from the library (that’s what the library is for right?) until 3 a.m.

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Getting home from a bar and making oatmeal #winning

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Practicing your atrocious Swedish during lengthy chats with your cats in a nonjudgmental environment

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Doing yoga in your living room

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Drinking wine in your bed

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Honing your already extensive knowledge of Eminem lyrics

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Reading this, I am realizing what a freaking catch I am. I have so many useful interests and skills! Maybe if I had listed these on the Tinder profile and/or not included my cats in all my pictures I would have received more “likes”.

Then again, maybe I should just meet people in the sauna like a normal person.

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2 responses to “The perks of being alone forever

  1. Hahahahahaha dying of laughter

  2. Johnny

    Wow very funny, but of course loneliness is very real to the human condition. You’ve probably seen that video that everyone on facebook keeps sharing obnoxiously about getting away from your screens and putting more interaction, and reliance on people to bring enjoyment to life which is well very true and important.
    Now in advance, forgive the wall of text that comes below and granted your blog has a lightheartedness about it, but perhaps take it as a compliment you’ve elicited this out of me to share with anyone that happens across it as well.
    My own problem that’s become bigger and bigger like a snowball starting when I was younger is likely undiagnosed ADD. Now listen, I get back to the loneliness through this. These ADD behaviors that I have are basically aligned to what most people think of as procrastination, but think of it getting worse and worse with every consecutive year to the effect that passing classes is impossible. It becomes the vicious cycle of depression caused by this failure and then further incompletion. This ruined a relationship as well. The sadness from it all had(and still does) turned me into a recluse just hiding in my room from the world where my failures could be seen. Eventually I came across a show called Neon Genesis Evangelion, which is an anime(and I know how geeky that is), but the show was created by a man who had suffered 4 years of major depression which in turn was his inspiration to create the show as he had become largely disenchanted with the otaku lifestyle that he had become a part of while depressed. The otaku lifestyle is the single twenty or thirty year old men that watch anime, mostly sit around all day, etc. The show is sort of a wake up call to those living like this. Those that are lonely, depressed, possibly afraid of human contact. The show literally ends with all the characters telling the main character “Congratulations!” as he learns to love himself and perhaps life as well even though he may never understand its purpose. As corny as it was, it’s very easy to empathize with if you’re in that situation.

    So after seeing that show, I of course felt I had seen some new side of life and thought to myself “I can do it!”. That didn’t last long, because at the time I sort of just thought I was depressed as most of my school issues came about after the end of a relationship. I simply didn’t go back to that lingering suspicion of some behavioral disorder, partly because I didn’t want to admit it either.

    So, now where I am today with it all? I’ll go in tomorrow and set up a examination thing which I’m sure I’ll pass for ADD with flying colors. But realizing it now and I guess starting to accept it…accept the reason that I drink coffee if I want to fall asleep, or the reason I’ve never truly had a best friend and if I did they didn’t last very long. Things all make sense now. I’ve always been on the sidelines as far as social circles goes. Sure I can fit in, but more or less I’ve always felt as the observer almost like a sociopath like the fictional Tom Ripley. However, that’s not to say I dont feel the pain of exclusion. I feel that all the time.

    So, I’m sure many who read this may ask, why write this here on her blog? Well most of my friends know none of this about me, nor my family. And most of them probably don’t suspect it because I had been very successful with things I did in the past primarily athletics(send the ADD kid out to play). It’s embarassing.

    So go rekindle an old friendship soon, or meet someone new, or try to break down the Walls of Jericho with someone. My problem is just here to let you know(and myself) that things aren’t so bad.

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