Word to your mother

Mother’s day is alright. I love my mom and all, but I do NOT see what the big deal is. I do, however, approve of any excuse to get brunch. On the positive, slightly pedophiliac side I now know what most of my Facebook friends looked like as children with their moms.

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Maybe it is because I am not a mother, except to two rascal cats who annoy the shit out of me 90 percent of the time. I will say that despite the fact that they have peed on my bed, scratched up my furniture, and bring terrifying creatures inside of my house that I love them. That’s exactly what my mom would say about me too, so I kinda get how this whole motherhood thing works.

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I celebrated my Mother’s Day by working. Turns out, mothers do not want pizza and beer for brunch. Go figure. I did make an exciting discovery upon my coffee break: THERE IS AN OPRAH LATTE.

 

AN.OPRAH. LATTE.

Oprah has a latte.

Named the Oprah latte.

 

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(On a side note, my lovely darling feline friend just brought in yet another strange bug only to let it free in my house and go back outside. THE JOB IS NOT DONE IF THE BUG IS ALIVE)

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Did you know insects are animals? Because they are.

Do you know how to stay on topic? Because it is clearly something I have yet to master.

 

Where was I? Oh yes, brunch. I would have to say on a scale of one to Sex and the City I am a master of brunch.

 

Do you ever say things and then realize what a bougie asshole you are? I would say that I am a hard worker– I have two jobs and and proud of the fact that I support myself. I could be someone else’s sugar mama, if this person were homeless and the sugar mama title only required I give him quarters every day or something. I can spare many quarters, maybe a taco from time to time. Okay fine, a taco every day!

 

I am also a person who frequently has brunch. That in and of itself, combined with the fact that I publicly acknowledge that I do so, exposes me as the bougie, privileged asshole that I am.Hi, I’m Kallie. I shop at Trader Joes, I own multiple French presses, and have time to recycle. Eh..I take back that last one, but I do have a recycling bin! Additionally, that I am writing a blog about this.

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It goes without saying that you are a dumb middle class, self important bitch if you have a blog. I am just assuming that everyone wants to know all of my wonderful and fulfilling thoughts. You’re welcome.

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**INSERT PICTURE OF ALL MY MEALS FROM TODAY HERE**

**INSERT SELFIE MONTAGE UNDERNEATH**

Really though, it’s borderline disgusting how many first world problems dominate my life.

 

Last week in a hormonal rage I cried when I couldn’t fine Wife Swap illegally online. Seriously, WTF. Still irritated.

 

I almost hit the car in front of me when my Iphone Pandora kept cutting out while I was driving. In my defense, it was playing an excellent song from the ever pleasing Ja Rule station.

 

I judge people who say eXpresso. There is no x. Stop that immediately.

 

I go to the movies on weekdays, during the day when there is nothing on Hulu. C’mon Hulu! Heaven forbid the lack of new material forces me to do something actually productive.

 

I actually got into an argument with someone because of autocorrect.

 

I spilled coffee on my favorite white shirt and it really, truly ruined my day. This is why I can’t have nice things!

 

I just read this, it was highly accurate.

What was the point of me writing this? I guess we will never know.

Happy Belated Mother’s Day! If nothing else, I think I learned that I should write a whole post on brunch. Mostly because it would be an excuse to eat brunch everyday. Which I already do, but now I can have a semi-legitimate reason.

 

 

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