PSA numero uno. The art of Instagram; a how-to-not-piss-everyone-off-and-want-to kill-you mini guide

Instagram is the shit. It embodies the best of all things: stalking without consequences.

Two words for that y’all. fuck. yes.

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Although there is the very real danger of accidentally liking someone’s pictures while scrolling, which happens more often than not to chubby thumbed people such as myself, it is one hundred and eighty seven percent WORTH IT. We all love the shit out of seeing what goes on in each other’s lives. If someone posted Facebook statuses as frequently as Instragraming pictures it would get super irritating, but for some reason constant photos of what you all are doing at a given moment is seriously the best thing ever, ever, ever, ever.

 

“Right now I am eating a sandwich”

“I am drinking wine with my mom”

“I am sitting in bed with my cats”

“I am drinking wine in bed with my cats”

“I am eating cake, and drinking wine in bed with  my cats”

“I am taking a photo of myself”

“I am taking a photo of my cats”

You see how Instagram comes in handy.

Where else can I see what Jessica Alba is looking at this morning, or behind the scenes pictures of Lil Jon getting crunk? Honestly though, the whole following Jessica Alba thing has been really taking a toll on my self esteem. How does a human look like that? All the time? Seriously. For real.

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However, as with all things social media related, or actually just human related, people somehow manage to screw it all up. The following suggestions are reiterations of things that are frequently said but just in a quick little post, a reminder one might call it. A reminder to stop sucking. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Things I (and probably other people) am (are) curious about and totally want you to post:

  • Your animals, they are cute and I love to look at them. If every photo is of your pet ferret I will continue to like it every single time, because pets are the best.
  • Your alcoholic choices at any given moment, because the only thing equal in worth to pets is alcohol. I salute your commitment to inebriation.
  • Travel photos, for obvious reasons.
  • Amusing photos, see above.
  • Albuquerque sunsets, because for some reason those never seem to get old.

Honestly I really like most things that are posted, hence the Instagram addiction in the first place. It is kind of hard to screw up posting something on Instagram because it’s just your life and is at least moderately interesting I would hope.

You know what I (and probably most people) don’t really want to see? 

  • Your abs. Mainly because I don’t really care, but also because I really don’t care.
  • Along that line, I also do not want to see you working out. It exemplifies my comparative laziness as I scroll through my feed laying in bed eating cake. While I feel no shame (okay, minimal shame)  regarding my bed-centered eating habits, it makes me feel like a freak when everyone else is just working out all the time and having abs.
  • You and your significant other macking down. I am painfully single and therefore hate seeing affection in any capacity. We get it, you are super in love and stuff. Congratulations on your happy and fulfilled life, please stop taking photos because it makes me feel like a hateful voyeur.
  • Over a selfie a day, or you know what? Over a selfie a week is too much. I get it, sometimes you shower and look real nice and want a photo. Totally understandable. That selfie better be damn good, and not at all similar to any of the other seven you have posted that day. Your face isn’t THAT great, even if you are Jessica Alba**

**I take that back Jessica Alba is allowed to take a selfie a day. She can also take a photo of her abs, though I doubt she would because she is a classy lady.

  • Any picture of a meal you consumed that is not aesthetically pleasing. If you Instagram your food, it better be fucking beautiful. I am guilty of doing this myself, but it is when I have felt the food was fucking beautiful. Besides, do what I say and not what I do.
  • Man or women crushes, i.e. #mcm #wcw. Can someone please explain to me WHY this became a thing. Just don’t do it, of course James Franco is a creep babe so an Instagram is unnecessary to solidify that. Anything with an acronym I just already hate. AWAAIJAH
  • Videos of you talking to the camera, but all cut up. Scratch that, videos in general. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand how to do them but they are impossible to watch and are almost always a let down.

 

You know what people probably don’t want to read about in a blog? Me complaining. Which seems to comprise about 57 percent of all posts these days. I evidently just have too much time on my hands to not only LOOK at Instragram but then to write a blog post about it. Maybe we should just all quit and call our grandmothers.

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