Yard Sales: An anthropological study

 

It really seems to me that three main types of people go to yard sales

  1. Hoarders

  2. Old people

  3. Hoarding old people

 

Yard sales are super conflicting for me to participate in because I feel like an enabler. When people show up and ask where the Beanie Babies are part of me wants to convince them to buy my old socks and juicer I found in the trunk of my car. The biggest part of me wants to do this, but the other smaller and moral section of my psyche wants to smack the items out of their hands and dramatically yell NU-UH LADY FACE, PUT DOWN THE EMBROIDERED PILLOW, and step away slowly.

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Because I have seen the show Hoarders. I know what their house looks like, and I know that the last thing they need is a plastic set of Gumby and his horse whose name I forget. But I also want a dollar. So I let it go.

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Another annoying thing that accompanies the whole yard sale shebang is having to wake up SO freaking early. To sit in your yard all day and forget sunscreen and get a sunburn. I think we should just all collectively agree to make yard sales later in the day, if we all banded together and refused to sell things until a reasonable hour then the early-bird attendees would have no choice but to follow suit. The fact that they arrive so early, fanny-packs full to one dollar coins raring to go is concerning.

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I just picture them in their homes the evening before, perusing Craigslist until 5 a.m. organizing their Beanie Babie collection again, whispering softly to them about how new friends will be joining shortly. Practicing their snatching agility, and doing a ton of meth while their ten hairless Chihuahuas pee everywhere because they cant get to the door.

 

Arriving on the premises, you know they have probably been at three sales before yours and have spent all night preparing for this as though it was the Hunger Games or something. I guess that is pretty accurate. Don’t get a cut around these people, they can sense weakness and will prey on the bleeding one for sure.

 

If I were better at haggling then I would probably enjoy the yard sale experience more. I see someone questioning in their eyes the price that I arbitrarily set and I immediately decide to give it to them for free. Oh you want to pay 48 cents instead of the 50? You’rerightokayjusttakethebeercoozyforfree. I just end up owing THEM money somehow. I come out of yard sales owing more money than I even make.

 

Ultimately, the most important thing is to get rid of shit. And that, at the very least, is accomplished. Somewhat. I can return to my home that while not pristinely clean, is not the home of full on Hoarder. So that’s nice I guess.

 

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