PSA numero dos: The-real-guide-of-how-to-look-like-Jessica-Alba

As you are all well aware of, I am a super babe who would never ever have a collection of sequential terrible photos from three years ago saved on my computer I took of myself making horrendous faces. So glad these puppies are taking up space on my hard drive.

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Right.

 

I, like most young women of the same generation, fucked my shit up by taking birth control several years ago and came out of it with ten extra pounds, hormonal imbalance caused skin problems, and self-inflicted psychological trauma. I would still take that over a baby any day.

 

A favorite past time of mine is perusing online sites for tips on how to get my skin to not suck. All the advice that ever seems to pop up repeats the same goddamn thing and I’m tired of it.

 

The most common set of advice includes

 

Drink a fuck ton of water

Eat vegetables

Don’t eat pizza for every meal

Exercise all the time!

Don’t consume any alcohol or coffee

Put vegetables into your smoothies

Juice things!

 

OH really?! Thanks that was just SO helpful and informative. I never would have guessed to do all that!

Yeah, I think it is pretty straight forward what is necessary. I get that if I ate only kale and ran fifteen miles twice a day that I would lose weight and my skin would glow and everything. But there is just one very tiny little issue: mainly that it sounds terrible, and would interfere with all my important tasks like Pintresting for three hours straight and re-reading my Nancy Drew collection! I know in theory what I should do to get a six pack and nice skin but what I am looking more for is something along the lines of what one might call a miracle cure. Or just something to motivate me to DO the things that are good for me. Because doing the things that are bad are so much more fun.

 

If something you read online tells you to give up all refined sugar, and eat only trail mix don’t do it! IT’S A TRAP! You wont poop for a week. There is such a thing as too much fiber, and M&M’s don’t count as a food group. Chocolate has antioxidants let me remind you. #truth

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Also, have these people ever HAD alcohol? Nine out of ten things are more fun after a glass of wine. Justsayingwhatweareallthinking. I’m milking my early twenties functional alcoholism excuse as long as I can alright?

 

Here are some tips/tricks that I think are more effective.

WARNING: You will probably still not look like Jessica Alba.

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Drink pilsners and white wine like a fancy lady, also vodka. For some reason these seem to be easier on the ol’ bod the next day. Just drink like a WASPy rich woman, they are experts at the sport of drinking.

 

Have an anxiety disorder that forces you to exercise or you have mental breakdowns. If you have to, you will do it trust me. If you want to keep your friends that is, instead of yelling at them about whether garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing.

 

Lemon + baking soda = better skin, every time. (You are all welcome for the snapchats)

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Shower, but don’t shower too much. My strategy is to not shower that frequently, so that when I do I look great! Everyone is amazed at the vast improvement.

 

Along that line, invest in some great perfume. If you smell nice, people will think that you showered. Works every time.

 

Speaking of showers, if your hot water heater conveniently breaks all the time just take cold showers! This can be used as motivation to go on a run because you won’t mind the cold, will assist in water conservation efforts, and I read somewhere that cold showers are better for you anyway.

 

If you have contacts, take them out every.single.night. Don’t leave them in for days at a time or you will have devil eyes. If you do this, just tell people it’s allergies. Instant free pass!

 

Get your make-up tattooed on, then you can wake up looking JUST BEAUTIFUL.

 

If all else fails, just hibernate and don’t see anyone for long periods of time. People will be so glad you are out in the world and not in bed reading that it won’t even matter what you look like.

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