Dial M for murder


I strongly believe we were put on this Earth for one, very specific reason: to eradicate the demons of the insect family.



I take my role as human incredibly seriously. So seriously that I never laugh, not even when watching America’s Funniest Home Videos, not ever, no way. Every time you laugh, a spider is born. And that is the very worst possible thing that could happen.


I recently became hyper aware of the plethora of black widow webs surrounding the outside of my house. Keep in mind I don’t use the word “plethora” lightly, so know that I am using it for extra emphasis to really convey just how many we are talking about here. There are were approximately 8 from my front gate to my door. EIGHT. It was like a spider brothel over here, minus the sex part…Do spiders have sex?






(insert wide eyed emoji here)

Don’t worry, I went on a highly effective murdering spree with murder spray foam but only knew to do so after someone informed me that such a spray existed. Which led me to the plunger aisle of Lowes testing plungers on the floor while giggling….and then eventually to the aisle of spider death.


I think we should all know how to participate in the task of killing the mutant demons from hell before they kill us. They are plotting, don’t let them fool you. Don’t be ashamed of being scared of a small insect, either. There is no shame, just ask this guy:




Some of you might be thinking, “Why not just get a shoe and swat the spider to death?”


One does not simply squish a terrifying spider. That would require getting close enough to do so. Some people are in the camp of lighting the spiders on fire, but for those of us that are prone to burning things down I would like to provide some alternate options.


  1. Talk mad shit to the spiders, really attempt to demolish any sense of self esteem they have. Black widows are female, have self esteem issues, and they know when they look fat—simply assure them that this is true. They will eventually find no reason to live, and do the job themselves.Image
  2. Catch a bunch of flies and place them in a trail leading from the spider web into the trash can. Then take out the trash. NOTE: remember to take out the trash that week. Or you will end up with a can full of spiders, which sounds horrifying.
  3. Challenge the spiders to a rap battle, whoever wins must vacate the area immediately. Hone up on your rap skills prior to this, or you will be forced to relinquish your home to a spider and that is just too pathetic for words. You don’t want to be that guy.
  4. Take a stick, get really close to the little thing, and tickle it until it dies.Little known fact, spiders are super ticklish. Any of us who are super ticklish as well know that death by tickle is totally possible
  5. Create a voo doo shrine in your closet a la Helga in Hey Arnold but the opposite, because hers is a positive one. I’m talking spider skeletons, spider toys with pins stuck in them, and a giant spider created out of gum. Light that bitch on fire. Just kidding! Gum doesn’t light on fire. Just stare at it really angrily, like you mean it.
  6. Don’t eat for a week in peaceful protest of the spiders being where they are. It normally takes about a week for them to get the hint.Image
  7. Alternatively eat all the bugs you find so the spiders will have nothing to eat! Muhahah


If all else fails, just go to Lowes and buy the spray. It is insanely gratifying to watch the black widows shrivel and die.



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