Survival of the suavest: your incredibly helpful first date guide

Not to brag or anything, or more accurately to totally brag and everything, but I am kinda exceptional at the art of dating. And one hundred percent qualified to be dispensing advice on the topic.

 

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Right.

 

Among the many things I have learned, is how to freak someone out upon the first fifteen minutes of knowing them to the point in which they never want to see you again want to take you to Red Lobster for many fancy dinners.

Attire:

First off let’s address the ever-important matter of what should one wear to a first date. You want to be comfortable, and not sweat through anything you wear so light grey is out. Also, maybe don’t wear a “Jesus: It’s just that easy” t-shirt a la Staples “easy” button. Either they un-ironically love your shirt, which is concerning, or they think you un-ironically love your shirt and are concerned. My go-to outfit is generally the classic look of an all denim jumpsuit, that way if you end up hunting and foraging in the wilderness you are all set. This suggestion is advisable to both men and women. Best case scenario, you both heed this excellent advice and show up like this:

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When to show up:

If you are picking them up, preferably about three hours early, They will appreciate the surprise right off the bat. If you arrive before they are home, just let yourself in to really get them good. Start the night off with a bang, man! They will appreciate your spontaneity, and then the second date is established as well because you two can repair the window you broke when you failed to locate the spare key. YOLO!

Now, ladies I present you with trial run and time tested topics that it is advisable to avoid on a first date:

The pimple you popped this morning, even if it was impressive
Racist things, that’s more second date material
Raisins
Your last date
The serial killer documentary you watched, even if it was super interesting.
Rape/ murder in general
That time you almost pooped your pants when running. And that other time
Your 13,000 plus emails in your inbox, as this may be interpreted as a sort of red flag.
If you have or have not had an abortion. Maybe no details about this right off the bat.
Random facts about Kim Kardashian.
That time you dyed your friend blue
How many kids you want and their names
The pros and cons of the death penalty

Gentlemen, I present you with suggested places to take your first date, that your woman friend will love:

Karaoke—gotta see what you are working with, in terms of vocal ability.
The strip club—entertainment AND steak
Savers–couples who save together, stay together
Hair removal appointment—in case things go well
The Library (the bar)—In comparison to the super creeps there already, you will stand out as a gentleman. Leave your tazer at home.
Female empowerment class
Weightwatchers meeting, followed by burgers.
To meet your mom
Sidewinders, if you are down for some experimentation in the parking lot after last call and all the patrons return to their wives and families sleeping peacefully at home.

Alright guys, in the event that you go the more traditional route of let’s say dinner and a movie (WHATEVER) here are some helpful tips for that as well.

I suggest a buffet, seeing as you do not know what they like and/or if they are “gluten intolerant” like little bitches. Lactose intolerance is okay, because I am and it is way more legitimate (Duh). This way, you can each get what you would like PLUS there is guaranteed jello.

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Just make sure to acquire as much food as you can in as little time as possible. A woman wants a successful gatherer. Bring tupperware to put whatever you don’t finish—your date will appreciate your practicality—bring an extra tupperware for her too so they can take some extra home as well! Be a gentleman.

Buffet rule #1 Avoid the sushi.

Onto the latter half of the date. Movies that bond you two emotionally are the best, so something along the lines of Hotel Rwanda should be selected. Sneak in some Mike’s Hard Lemonade and create a drinking game for every time someone dies. Too soon? Why Mike’s you ask? That’s a lot people, that’s a lot of drinks, so you need something that you can drink all night and still not get drunk.

In the unlikely event that none of this works on your companion, there is always the roofie route.

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I think it is worth mentioning that for various reasons all blog related I have now googled how to spell “Al Quaeda” and “Roofie” on my computer in the last hour. HELLO NSA!

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