Beep Beep Boop Beep Boop

I have a theory. One’s entry into the stark, real world that is adulthood is marked by the realization that you have spent the majority of your life mindlessly participating in the greatest conspiracy of all. It goes without saying how this all works, I mean we’ve all seen Josie and the Pussycats movie at least sixteen times, I’m assuming.

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Driving along this past week, in my piece of shit vehicle that I for some reason adore (avoiding obsessing over the fact that this says something about me that I don’t want it to) I found myself bopping along to something that quite literally says nothing. Well, nothing that makes sense in the conventional way, that is. Any shred of what might be referred to as meaning within the confines of the English language is sacrificed for the sake of a convoluted interpretation of something resembling a “beat”.

I’ll be the first to admit I am the poster child for falling for this. Like those posters for meth addiction that have “You can be a daughter again! Call 1-800-NOM-ORE-METH” printed across them, but instead with the words, “You can stop rotting your brain! Just turn off the radio, or change it to NPR or do seriously anything else and you will be a better human for it” and with my face in the background thumbs up and all.

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These pop songs trick you into enjoying them with their catchy little beats until the moment of realization that the words you are mindlessly singing along to actually mean as close to nothing in any form as possible. Forwards, that is. Backwards, every song secretly contains very top secret military security information. This is infact how all the military and political personnel communicate with one another across international borders.

Here’s a little secret for you all. The President’s favorite song isn’t “Call Me Maybe” because of the skilled guitar work or Carly Rae Jepson’s totally un-shrilly and majestically beautiful voice. When played backwards it contains Al Qaeda’s top secret lasagna recipe. For all their dangerous political actions they are an organization that knows how to cook a dang lasagna.

Point in case: the psuedo-reggae song “Rude” by Magic
Initially I was totally down to jam to this song. Seeing as honestly I generally hate all the music on the radio like the “cool” person that I pretend to be most of the time. However, my car gets a total of four stations without static. Two of them being hokey pop stations. Hurray for me! I also get KUNM, and the classic hip-hop station (101.3 you guys KNOW) so it balances out I suppose.

Back to Magic. Not the game, though I am highly interested in playing it kind of sometimes. At first listen, this song is at least different than most of the annoying songs I am forced to subject myself to on a regular basis. The interesting part is attempting to to discern what on earth this “Magic” guy is even saying in this musical number. But here goes nothing.

Saturday morning jumped out of bed and put on my best suit
Got in my car and raced like a jet, all the way to you
Knocked on your door with heart in my hand
To ask you a question
’Cause I know that you’re an old fashioned man yeah yeah
At first I thought the this was referring to a gay relationship. He was excited to look great in his best suit, and race “like a jet” (Note the use of complicated similies such as this) to his lover and ask him a question.
‘Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes
’Cause I need to know

Um okay. Initial impression regarding the song is apparently incorrect. Moving on, I don’t think you need to be a super feminist to have a problem with this line. Two men should not be effectively dealing this girl in question’s life. If she wants to be with you, Magic, she will be regardless of whatever her dad says. Also use of the word “have”. You cannot “have” her, because she is a human being. Maybe she should be there for this conversation. Just a thought.
You say I’ll never get your blessing till the day I die
Tough luck my friend but the answer is no!
Wow Magic, I wonder why he is not thrilled with you as a potential son-in-law. Maybe it is that your name is Magic? You really sound like a catch pal. Obviously you have managed to make a truly awful impression on this guy, despite your suit and jet-like ways.
Why you gotta be so rude?
Don’t you know I’m human too
Why you gotta be so rude
I’m gonna marry her anyway
Marry that girl
Marry her anyway
Marry that girl
Yeah no matter what you say
Marry that girl
And we’ll be a family
Wait, so THAT is your immediate reaction? I wonder why the guy doesn’t like you. I’m just picturing this interaction, and it seems like you are a dick. WHERE IS THE GIRL FOR ALL OF THIS? Is this a mail order bride thing? Is there a dowry? Does this song take place in the 18th century?
Not to mention, why did you even bother asking permission in the first place? He says no, and you just say you are going to do it anyway. I would like to know is this girl has been included in the decision process..
Why you gotta be so rude
It seems like You are the rude one Magic. RUDE RUDE RUDE. I dedicate this song to you. Dad over here is merely expressing his opinion. Is someone just automatically “rude” if they don’t give you what you want? It is clear you are just going to do whatever you want regardless of this man’s opinion.
I hate to do this, you leave no choice 
Can’t live without her
Love me or hate me we will be boys
Standing at that alter


Boys? She is a girl, right? Maybe the secret theme of the song is unrequited love for her father. Magic wants to marry the dad! Aha. You do have a choice, and you can live without her. Stop being so dramatic. 

Or we will run away
To another galaxy you know
You know she’s in love with me
She will go anywhere I go

Nope, my previous statement is incorrect. He does want to marry the daughter. And take her away from her father, through the use of space travel. Which seems impractical to say the least. Threats seem like an excellent strategy. I still personally have an issue with the lack of the daughter’s presence for this whole interaction. She loves her father too, and will have to take that into consideration before she shoots off into space with some dude. 

Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes
’Cause I need to know

Did you really think asking twice was gonna work? Especially considering your verbally abusive reaction to the first decline.
You say I’ll never get your blessing till the day I die
Tough luck my friend cause the answer’s still no!
Solidarity pops! I would say the same thing. Fuck this Magic guy. He wants to “have”  your daughter, what a creep. 
Why you gotta be so rude?
Don’t you know I’m human too
Why you gotta be so rude
I’m gonna marry her anyway
Marry that girl
Marry her anyway
Marry that girl
No matter what you say
Marry that girl
And we’ll be a family
SERIOUSLY
Why you gotta be so rude?
Because you are a dick, that’s why. Sneaking suspicion Magic might be retarded.
Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes
’Cause I need to know
You say I’ll never get your blessing till the day I die
Tough luck my friend but no still means no!
No comment.
Why you gotta be so rude?
Don’t you know I’m human too
Why you gotta be so rude
I’m gonna marry her anyway
Marry that girl
Marry her anyway
Marry that girl
No matter what you say
Marry that girl
And we’ll be a family
Why you gotta be so rude?
Why you gotta be so rude?

At least he ends on a totally original and non repetitious note. 

Am I the only one who feels a little dumber after listening to this song? I want to be rude to him too, but then he would probably write a song about me as well. Like that time I was a bitch to Kendrick Lamar and he wrote a song about me.

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One response to “Beep Beep Boop Beep Boop

  1. john red-horse

    Gotta hand it to you, that was a worthy rant. I didn’t want the song to end! Oh, and you need another car… 🙂

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