I don’t know much, but I do know brunch.
And Gilmore Girls trivia, but that is another topic entirely.
In addition to brunch I am also incredibly familiar with breakfast, dinner, and sometimes lunch but if I had to select one meal to eat for the rest of my life—it would be the aforementioned.
If I should be so bold, I would even go as far as to say that I am an expert on the brunch situation in ABQ. And before I forget, I figured I should share this necessary wisdom with the online world.
GUIDE TO BRUNCH FOR ALL OCCASIONS IN ALBUQUERQUE:
If it’s two AM and you didn’t eat dinner so lunch was essentially dinner, dinner was breakfast that was skipped, and now post-last call becomes brunch…
Featuring the most gigantic burritos on Earth, what else could you possibly need at this hour? Obviously kidding, you need a horchata. And nachos. You can wake up to a veritable feast of rotten Mexican food next to your bed, your clothes still on your body, and your self worth in the toilet..which is where your early morning/ late evening meal will be shortly. Bright Side: you will feel like shit, but be super skinny.
Nothing is better than Mexican food that is probably most likely made of real meat (which cannot be said for Federicos) I am not sure why I trust Taco C on this, but I do. And you can’t beat the variety. I can’t remember what it is, but there are things on the menu that I straight up don’t know what they are. And not because they are in Spanish–because HELLO I grew up in NM..I know enough Spanish to get through a menu– but because they are fucking obscure.
TIP: Do NOT under ANY circumstances eat at Caesars—it will only multiply the feelings of regret that will invade your newly sober body in the morning, reinvigorating itself with every burp of whatever you ingested the night before. Just don’t do it. Caesars puts as little effort into food as possible, because all their best resources are put into the drug distribution side of the menu. If that is what you are looking for, ask for the extra special deluxxxe with three xxx’s and enjoy the rest of your evening.
If you want to see no one you know but eat an enormous omelet in peace and have free coffee refills:
Their omelets are no joke. Love them all, their specials are always great, their coffee is always great. Unlike almost every other place in good ol’ ABQ, I almost never see anyone that I know there so I can just eat my eggs in peace. Their oatmeal is also on point. Don’t go on Saturdays (farmer’s market) and don’t get a side of fruit—not worth it.
Okay, so no omelets here but they do have tortas which quite honestly are better than omelets in every way imaginable. Torta is Italian for sex in my mouth. And they have great coffee, and a manual espresso machine so double props for that.
If you want to see everyone you have ever met, plus some freakazoids, plus your professors, plus your ex-boyfriend, plus some kids with cats on leashes, plus some homeless peeps, plus some crack drug deals, plus Dick Knipfing …
Someone once told me that everything you order at Frontier tastes like every single other thing on the menu, and it seriously blew my mind. IT’S SO TRUE. I mean, everything you order is equally as delicious, but with eyes closed indistinguishable from every other item. However, they are fast, delicious, and provide wonderful people watching.
Same deal. Except the menu part. Great coffee, great sandwiches and burritos, eggs tend to be on the rubbery side and all their food is from SYSCO but you know, you win some and you lose some. Generally I stick to coffee and a pastry—they have a wonderful selection of goodies—or soup. Soup for brunch is only really acceptable all the time, so whatever. Brunch is whatever you want it to be! Winnings keeps you on your toes, you never know when you will see a woman with a parrot on her shoulder, or a guy come up and make you a hummingbird out of a pen that he melts with a lighter and licks all over right in front of your eyes.
If you are on a cute little day-after date and want your cute little boy/girl to buy you brunch…
(by little I am not referring to an actual child, it was for adjective continuity sake)
Duh. Don’t even need to say anything. I go here as a single girl all the time, or drag my single girl friends there or my non-single girl friends there and then stare at all the adorable couples and feel super alone but drown my sorrows in a Croque Madame. Everything is alright. Americano please, thanks. They also offer wine and mimosas super early in the morning. Mmmhm.
Nob Hill Bar and Grill!
I feel like this is a coupley place. Sit outside, because inside is always freezing. And order something delicious, because as expensive as it is I really feel as though it is worth it.
If it’s Sunday and you give no fucks..
It’s generally quite expensive but on Sunday mornings they have a killer BUFFET for about ten dollars, maybe less in fact, filled with great New Mexican food and you can get PITCHERS of really sweet ass margaritas AND they have a nice covered patio AND a waterfall. Do it. Get a DD, it’s far away.
Did somebody say Bloody Mary bar?
Oh wait, yeah I did. Bloody Mary’s are alright, but what keeps me coming back is the bacon. I don’t love bacon, but I love Scalo bacon. It makes me a little nervous how good it is. I can’t help but think of a Sweeney Todd situation, but that’s just me.
TIP: If you go to either of these places, please be sure that you give no fucks. Because nothing will get done this day if you go. I repeat: Nothing at all, except maybe more drinking.
If you want to eat some pie and chill and then go to the art museum but not on Sundays because they are closed…
Santa Fe Tiling Co!
Hiram will make you some coffee and there is always pie. I love a place that always has pie, and quiche, and pie. Bring cash, I can’t remember if they take cards now but I know they used to not so better safe than sorry.
If you want to go to somewhere that I have wanted to go for what seems like forever but have yet to manage to do so…
My friend runs this place (Hi Iz!) and I really wanted to go there. I really tried to go, like a lot. The universe had other plans it seems, as every time I attempted to something came up. I went this past week on the ONE week they are closed for vacation (ahem, vacations are for slackers) But the menu looks great and I have had coffee and if that is any indication of food quality then I am sold! Send me food in Sweden—please and thank you.
It’s time to eat, you are starving, and you want breakfast and lunch and dinner all at the same time but don’t want to leave your house…
Always delicious. Hot (oatmeal) or cold (…cereal).
For the non lactose intolerant of us, I happen to make great ones.
TIP: Always remain stocked with tortillas, cereal, milk and cheese.