An act of culinary genius: The only recipe for diabetes you will ever need—suck it Pinterest

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I am female, and therefore am programmed to love Pinterest. What more could a girl possibly want than a place to sort and store outfits she will never fit in and could never afford, recipes that she will never purchase the ingredients to and even if she did would probably royally fuck it up, and photos of other people’s weddings?

Hopefully a lot, is the answer to that question. Hopefully there is much more to life than that.

I do love wasting valuable time, and Pinterest is excellent for that. Feeling inspired after spending two hours scrolling through various photos and sending the funny ones to my friends, I have decided to contribute to this database.

Upon my decision to actively participate in Pinterest, a brainstorming session naturally followed. Many ideas were thrown around (out loud) in my very empty apartment. I could construct a bookshelf made out of bobby pins! I could clean everything I own with coffee grounds mixed with grain alcohol! I could wear yoga pants every day for a month and show all the different ways too make them “fashionable” (read: impossible, particularly when living in Europe)!

The pressure for innovation is real. Look what I’m up against!

 

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Eventually I settled upon a contribution that would lend itself to parties. As a semi-recluse, I prefer to invite people over to my house to going anywhere else. I mean, I’ll socialize if you make me but we might just end up watching Netflix documentaries in my living room and eating take out. Or drinking a vodka/crystal light mixture and going to a strip club—the true usual.

Those who know me even semi-well know that I have a very serious sugar and caffeine addiction. Serious.

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What I present to you today, is what some might call “Precursor to Diabetes” but I prefer to simply label “What’s for Dinner”. The thing about Pinterest’s edible section is that above all it is basically a pissing contest to see who can come up with the craziest concoctions. Chcolate centered candy, baked in a cookie, baked in a cupcake, crumbled and mixed with whip cream, spooned on top of ice cream, with candy bars on top (UM YES!).

Variety, it’s the spice of life! Is sugar a spice? According to the Spice Girls, yes and the Spice Girls know best.

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What follows are very detailed instructions, follow to the letter or you fail to reap the maximum blood sugar spike that inevitably results.

Step one: Get a very, very, very large bowl. And another bowl. Maybe a third too, for good measure.

Step two: Go to the store—it is important to look at the size of the bowl prior to going to the store so you can gauge what you are working with. You know what, the bowl size doesn’t really matter, you can always refill. I will say that tomorrow you will not want to see candy for at least a month so leftovers are not really gonna do it here.

Step three: Catch the bus. This experiece will be a significantly better story if you add in that you took the bus with what you will be buying. I hope that this is before 4 pm, when the busses get weird (at least in ABQ). And by I hope that this is before 4 pm, I mean I hope that it is 11 pm at night. HA. ha.

Step four: While at store, text your friends to come over. If your friends are anything like mine, they smoke way too much weed to do anything in a timely fashion. I don’t care what it is that they are doing, you need to give them at least an hour to put on chapstick. The bus will take awhile. Be patient my friends.

*Feel free to invite any children you happen upon your journey. Children love candy!

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Step five: Arrive at the store ready to go.

1 Ice cream, and Cool Whip, and whip cream (for the non-lactose intolerant of us). Frosting too.

2: Chips, the cappuccino kind. And sour cream and onion for balance.

3: The candy aisle. Now, be careful here. Make sure to get a good mix of chocolate, dark chocolate, peanut buttery, gummy, crunchy, sour, and sweet candies. I don’t really care what you like, make sure you get at least seven different varieties. I myself am partial to dark chocolate peanut M&Ms (the purple package #usefultriviaknowledge) and Swedish Fish and Sour Patch Kids.

4: A card for your momma

5: An apple—it will keep the doctor away and stuff.

Step six: Get back on the bus with your bounty. Open one of the bags—it’s always the Swedish Fish for me and get your snack on.

Step seven: This is where your creativity really comes into the picture. You can mix any of these things together in whatever fashion you choose. Chips go surprisingly well with chocolate, and gummy bears mix interestingly into ice cream. Hopefully your friends came over or you are just come person consuming a TON of horrible food by yourself in the dark (I picture this occurring in the dark).

Step eight: When you inevitably wake up in the morning with a sugar coma send the card to your mom, and eat an apple for breakfast. You will be “cured” of sugar addiction for quite awhile because—I speak from experience—it is possible to have too much.

Step nine: Test for diabetes, you might have it now. If so, guess it’s Splenda-city for you! Don’t order a Diet Coke in a restaurant because sometimes waitresses accidentally mix it up and you could potentially die.

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