My life according to FB, the babies dancing to Beyonce edition

Facebook is creepy, this is common knowledge. I Google a baby dancing to Beyonce ONE TIME and all of a sudden my feed is supplemented with advertisements for toddler gear. Okay I googled it twice. Maybe three times but that’s it!

Three times of baby googling does not a mother make. Cross stitch that on a pillow and smoke it hang it on your wall, Facebook.

The ads on our pages paint an interesting and strangely intimate picture of our individual personalities. Mostly because they are selling our information to companies who then alter the ads that appear to us, but I (once again) digress. I have been screenshotting (21st century verbiage, natch) my “suggested” pages this week, and this is the convoluted result.

Hi, I’m Kallie the alcoholic, ponytailed pizza eating slut with a terrible fashion sense, and too much free time to watch murder documentaries..Nice to meet you, Facebook advertising supervisors!

Right out of the gate they are freakishly on point

Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 11.19.28 AM Screen Shot 2014-10-01 at 5.20.45 AM

You had me at “wine delivered”

Screen Shot 2014-08-05 at 5.40.52 PM

I particularly enjoy how they make it sound less sad by making the girl in the photo have cute shoes. It justifies her solo drinking of delivered wine like it is a perfectly normal thing to do.

The pizza thing is fairly accurate as well. I worked at a pizza place, okay FB I see what you did there.

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 9.03.40 AM

Then things take a really insulting turn and amusement quickly ceases

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 7.53.04 AM

First and foremost, I do not appreciate the assumption that I am an idiot. Or that 9 different ponytails exist, 9 “common” ponytails at that. There is really only so much variation possible with that hairstyle. I cap off at three possible ways to to wear my hair in a ponytail but more importantly I doubt I could give less of a shit about what kind of ponytail I have and what it indicates about who I am as a person.

I think it says something the person who wrote this article. I wonder what they would say about someone who rarely brushes their hair, like myself. I will never know, because this is one of the most asinine articles I have seen in awhile. And I watch romantic comedies on purpose.

As is the hair debacle wasn’t enough of an insult to my intelligence, this questionable purchase was suggested to me. Can I get a resounding and collective WTF?! I am sorry, but no. That is all I have to say about that.

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 9.03.31 AM

Facebook then informed me of some trending topics.


Screen Shot 2014-09-26 at 1.06.13 PM

Because the tragic deaths of those suffering from the ebola epidemic didn’t sufficiently entertain us all enough, there were some additional articles compiled by some hard hitting journalists with very fulfilling jobs

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 7.54.23 AM Screen Shot 2014-09-30 at 8.21.08 AM

And some lighthearted comedies…

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 10.59.33 AM

…to lift my sprits after being reminded by Facebook that I am single

Screen Shot 2014-09-30 at 9.24.45 AM


At least I can scroll through everyone’s wedding albums/ baby videos that I may or may not have watched for over an hour on instragram before going to sleep.

I always scroll through the baby videos  when I see them because I care basically not at all. Lo and behold after accidentally watching one I was hooked! Turns out baby videos are super cute.

Who knew?!

Don’t you dare answer that, because obviously everyone knew. Everyone but me.

Eventually I ran out of videos and had to move my search online, hence the baby dancing to Beyonce video. Which leads me back to the initial point of this post.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: