Sometimes things are just as bad as you would expect aka Annabelle the movie

Just to further solidify my status as a party pooper, I feel compelled to mention that I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween. I view it more as an obstacle on the way to Thanksgiving than a holiday in its own right. I always end up dressing up as something that I think is uber clever and everyone else thinks is stupid, drinking too much, losing half my costume, and crying over the fact that I am no longer a shooting star after misplacing my star balloon but merely, and I quote, “Only a shooter now!”

 

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Heaven forbid

This year, I was pretty hell bent on convincing another female to be two girls one cup with me—let’s just say that didn’t happen DESPITE the fact that it would be awesome. Before you freak out and call me out on my pervy ways let me state for the record that the plan was to buy a cup and together hold it all night (get it?). I personally maintain my stance on the brilliance of this but alas, I failed to talk anyone in their right mind into accompanying me. So I guess I’m going to be a ghost. Kicking it old school here, i.e. broke. Ghost as in sheet thrown over my head, with eye holes. Turns out, this bears an alarming resemblance to KKK attire. But what is done is done. If only I had brought my Kanye West twitter account costume from last year..

When a co-worker asked me to join for a good ol’ fashioned horror movie after finishing work last week I decided to oblige. Normally I would say absolutely not, because that sounds terrible and represents everything I hate. She said it was about a doll, I said okay let’s do this thing. I don’t even like dolls, what is there to lose?

HA! my dignity.

Warning: spoiler alerts ahead.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a horror movie, seeing as I wholeheartedly prefer films more in the rom com arena. Maybe a family drama to spice things up. An action if I’m feeling crazy or if a cute boy asks me to go and I pretend I’m all jazzed to see Iron Man 7 but really I just tolerate it because I love Robert Downey Jr. with all my heart and I make no apologies!

Let me tell you a little about Annabelle.

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The opening scene is in a church, it’s 1950’s suburbia and a painfully perfect couple is partaking in what appears to be an incredibly inappropriately timed and very public hand job for an uncomfortably long period of time. Finally a zoom-out reveals they are instead playing thumb wars because that’s what cute couples in the 1950’s do in church. They walk home with their neighbors, discussing the pregnancy of the female main character. The neighbors have a daughter themselves, but it is causally mentioned that she has run away with “the hippies”.

Turns out, “the hippies” are members of a satanic cult but you know..potat-o, satanic cult-o. We will come to this later.

The male main characters enters the soon to be baby’s room that his wife has filled with way too many creepy dolls. Knowing the premise of the movie, I am hyper aware of the possibility that any one of these dolls could murder a child at any time. However, the relative creepiness of any of the other dolls pales in comparison to the doll he lovingly presents to his wife in this enormous box.

Her reaction to the gift: Way too overjoyed.

Mine: WHAT.THE. FUCK.

 

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Anyway, fast forward to that evening when the lights come on in the neighbor’s bedroom convineiently located directly outside of the main characters’ room. You see them being brutally murdered by intruders. Pregnant lady awakens and makes her husband go check out the house, because she hear a scream. He finds blood and the bodies, she calls the cops, the intruders enter their house and attempt to murder them. This would have been a much shorter movie, and honestly probably a better one too, if it had ended there.

But no, after a brief but dramatic struggle the cops show up just in the nick of time though not before the girl murderer runs upstairs to the baby’s room and slits her throat. Before dying she wipes her blood all over the walls and bleeds into the eyeball of the enormous doll she cradles as she passes over to the other side.

After that, weird things keep happening with the doll yadda yadda, the sewing machine turns on, they throw away the doll and it comes back, whatever.

The scariest part for me was when the preggo is using her sewing machine and watching TV and sews through her finger. They just skip right on past that one, like it was no big deal. IT WAS A BIG DEAL, that was disgusting. After an incident of the house burning down, because of the doll, the lady pops out the baby and they move.

They do not pack the doll, Annabelle, but of course she comes with them at this point having spent too much time in the garbage and looking pretty rough. The wife decides to keep it after all and places it in a primo location in her precious child’s room. Possessed or not, that doll looks straight up disgusting at this point. I would think she would at least attempt to wash it considering it has been in multiple dumpsters and seriously looks like it but that’s just me.

Scary things keep happening, the movies relies heavily on the long silent pause followed by sudden appearance of demons which startle more than legitimately terrify. Though I would be terrified if such a demon presented itself to me, or if it locked me in the basement.

Long story long, the satanic cult wants the soul of the baby and the doll is being used as some sort of relic to conjure a demon. The dolls kicks the priest’s ass when he tries to rid them of their demon doll, and eventually everything is solved by the neighbor woman committing suicide and giving the demon her soul.

Everyone lives happily ever after, the doll is put up for sale at a thrift shop, and I lost fifteen dollars and two hours of my life.

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