Hey you, you’re old. Sincerely, the Universe

Are you wondering if you are a grown up yet?
You are not alone.

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Occasionally I catch myself thinking adult thoughts, like when laundry detergent is on sale and it becomes the best day ever.
I own my very own bleach pen for goodness sakes.
my.very.own.bleach.pen.
A bleach pen.

However my predilection for spilling coffee on everything necessitating this plethora of cleaning products is somewhat antithetical to the whole adult thing. My excitement about acquiring them seems like a significant shift in priorities that could be indicative of personal growth.

I mean, I am buying presents for my friends’ children. Note the placement of the possessive apostrophe there: multiple friends, multiple children. People are having babies, and it’s not even weird! They are perfectly normal people, in a perfectly acceptable age range to have a child. They wouldn’t qualify for any reality TV show with their babies THAT’S HOW NORMAL IT IS. And I am freaking out, naturally because I had cold oats mixed with water and honey for dinner last night. I am pretty sure it borders on child abuse if I were to have a kid, and feed them that for dinner.

Does it count as child abuse if you consider yourself a child, and you don’t raise yourself right? Can I go to jail for this? Don’t answer that, I would not hold up in jail. I’ve seen Orange is the New Black and while I enjoyed it..I’m pretty sure I would be none of the featured characters. I would be the character that was stabbed in the background of the first episode that no one noticed.

What was I talking about?
Oh yes, being a grown-up.

The first clue that I might not fall into that category is most evidently indicated by me using the term “grown-up” like Tommy in Rugrats. Tommy is a baby for those of you who are unaware because you were living under a rock during the 90’s/2000’s. Arguably child abuse to not let your child watch such deeply philosophical television, talk to your parents if you fall into the aforementioned category. For the rest of us well-adjusted and privileged children remember at the beginning of episodes when the camera would be super zoomed in and you have NO IDEA what the fuck was happening until it zoomed out and you were like OH it’s the fish in the fish tank, I thought we were on the moon!

Me neither.

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I’m also thinking I am probably not an adult quite yet because I saw a sign for “wiener brod” and laughed out loud.
I spent 14 dollars on T-Swift’s new album on iTunes so at best I’m a 12 year old girl or boy of the same age who bravely challenges gender norms.

A pamphlet announcing the official entrance to adulthood would be incredibly handy. Thank you universe, for informing me of the nuances of couch assembly and about paying the electricity bill on time.

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It would be oh so handy if the universe simply handed you a pamphlet prior to entering this ambiguous space known as adulthood..maybe. A little warning would be incredibly helpful, practically speaking is all I’m saying.

The pamphlet would probably read something like the following:

Greetings young child of the world, how are you this fine day? Don’t answer that, because I am the Universe and I already know. You are feeling old, because you are getting old. You are 22, which is practically 23, which is almost 25. One fourth of a way into your life, or maybe more than that if you get hit by a car at fifty you are already half way to your demise already!

You don’t believe me, I can see if in your disbelieving eyes. Take a moment to read this all knowing pamphlet, and things will become clearer. I will outline the most common signs of aging.

The first sign that you are entering maturity is that time speeds up. You know who always tells you time goes fast? Old people. Turns out, they are right. No longer will things move at an “average” pace but instead years will go by like nothing from here on out. Don’t blink or it will be 15 years later, you will have a potbelly and nasty drinking habit to forget the mediocrity that is your existence.

The second manifestation of age is the sudden inability to consume copious amounts of alcohol with little to no repercussions. Gone are the days where five long island iced teas the night before has no effect on that 8 o’clock marathon training. One glass of wine and your ability to coherently communicate with the outside world will be compromised. Hangovers are a real thing.

Another indication is pity in the eyes of anyone you start to talk about high school accomplishments to. It’s a little pathetic five years post-graduation if you are still talking about winning state in any sport on a regular basis. It’s great for you, but the people you tell are secretly judging you . The time has come to delete high school listings from your resume.

Becoming friends with your parents, and not being embarrassed by them is another indicator. Your parents are way cooler than you, and you have had it backwards this whole time! Age nullifies the ability to be embarrassed by the creatures who gave you birth.

If you are taking vitamins voluntarily, and not in gummy form, then you are moving in the right direction. Fanta is the color of a vitamin, but does not count. Just for the record.

Read the following statement and judge your self worth accordingly: Lorde is 18. She just turned 18.

 

At this point, any potential pamphlet reader would freak the fuck out. Like Nicolas Cage in every movie he has ever done freak out.

BUT. Then the Universe would say this.

You are an adult, responsible for your own actions and self reliant for all life’s necessities. I hope you realize what this means..

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With great power comes great responsibility

and occasionally babies.

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One response to “Hey you, you’re old. Sincerely, the Universe

  1. williamcfoster

    Love it. Soldier on!

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