There is no “I” in Christmas; A gift guide

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This is for the assholes who haven’t bought their loved ones gifts yet, claiming they will be arriving shortly “in the mail”, those who fail to adequately display their affection for their friends and family by rejecting the age-old capitalistic tradition that is now equated Christmas.

I am here to help you because all the following is actually found online, and therefore fits the bill for the it-must-be-in-the-mail excuse that no one believes. Have another cup of glogg, and continue to lie your ass off all day because you.got.this.  Maybe you are not so on the ball with holiday punctuality, BUT you are are on the ball with buying gazing balls for an exorbitant  price.

 

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Because nothing says I love you like ketchup

 

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TOTALLY HELPFUL LAST MINUTE GIFT GUIDE

For your father, who you love so dearly…

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The best conversation piece on the market, also helpful for deterring intruders

 

 

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just because

 

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Your dad, the only one who still owns CD’s

whatever those are

 

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We all know what you are doing in there

 

For that special man in your life…who you want to break up with

“Honey, I have next halloween all figured out!”

 

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For the man in your life, who takes Ron Swanson’s guidance a little too seriously

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And for dessert

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For your chubby friend,

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For your body dimorphic friend, who makes up for what they lack in self-esteem with astounding smizing capabilities

**MAN NOT INCLUDED, SMIZING LESSONS NEGOTIABLE

(he is working his way through medical school by modeling body shapers in catalogues

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For your friend whose love for the gym is only superseded by their love for posting about loving the gym

 

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For the worldly, intellectual alcoholic in your life

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For that person you just met

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or perhaps a mounted squirrel

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For your stalker

 

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For the Serial fanatic

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For people who hate spiders

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For people who love to fuck with people who hate spiders

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For the mailman

 

 

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For children

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No time like the present to give them motorcycles

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and to encourage the continuance of gender stereotypes

For your mom

 

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For the burned out, former raver who now has a child but misses the thrill

it’s basically the same thing

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and MOST IMPORTANTLY

For that special someone that is you, for no one to ever know about

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#internetshoppingperks

 

Merry Holidays and stuff politically correct friends!

God Jul!

 

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