Being less shitty, the struggle is real: resolutions 2.0 2015


Twenty fourteen was an interesting one. Among other things, I successfully completed my resolutions from both last and this year! What might those be I assume you ask.

2013: I had two, eat more vegetables and do more karaoke
2014: Learn to like whiskey

Done and done.

I am now drunk with power over my life, and taking on some resolutions that I suppose I am a week late on deciding upon, but I do what I want 2015!


My strategy for this year is to spread out the resolutions with hope to thereby be more successful, it’s tricky when you put all your eggs in one basket… whatever that means. Okay, I get what it means but what does it MEAN. It seems significantly more arduous to put eggs into different baskets simply because you are afraid of dropping the basket and breaking them.

Assuming you have a valid reason for collecting eggs in a basket other than Easter, in which case you are doing it wrong and should simply wait until the next day and buy the candy on sale like the functional adult you are, there are several precautions that could be taken to use a single basket for your egg gathering activities and not break them**.
**Including but not limited to avoiding run on sentences about egg collection.

1) You could line the basket with virtually anything not hard or sharp, but I can highly recommend authentic baby otter fur.
2) You could hold onto the handle, which is designed for this exact purpose and works quite well when used properly
3) Not a handle truster? Carry it along the bottom of the basket, or fasten it to your body with a baby carrier and slide the eggs into the small baby-head hole. Maybe avoid public places.
4) Use metaphorical eggs and a metaphorical basket, and use the opportunity of egg gathering as a means of social commentary about consumerism

Okay, there are undoubtedly more precautionary measures we could outline here BUT my point here being that I am attempting to do the exact opposite of this and precisely not place all my eggs in one basket. There will be multiple baskets… of resolutions…and eggs.

And now I’m hungry, for eggs and candy. Is it Easter yet? How did Easter become about eggs and candy when it’s about Jesus in some respect? It’s about Jesus right?

Jesus conveniently brings me to my first round of resolutions, which was not planned in this written ramble (because it turns out word vomit is possible in text form, and not just verbal as per usual) but I find it highly impressive that I managed to do this. This coincidence can be attributed less to planning and more to the fact I just like saying Jesus (and penis, but not in the same sentence) because it is a nice word and I approve of this name selection, God. I also like when someone named Jesus (Hay-Seuss) calls my parent’s house with caller ID and I get to think for a minute that Jesus is calling.

But I digress, unsurprisingly.

In 2015 I will continue to get off topic extremely easily but I will achieve many other great things as well




More Fox news, because we all need some reliable news in our lives. I need to be informed of this “War on Religion” that is plaguing our country.

Also watch more fox news, about foxes and their lives. All fox all the time!

“This week, in an exclusive interview we ask the fox exactly what does he say. Tune in!”

My weight: I have decided to lose 65 pounds. Plan: eat nothing but any form of cucumbers—they can be juiced, diced, pickled if I’m feeling crazy. This seems like a sustainable and good idea.

My cat’s weight: because a feline should not have to deal with an eating disorder. Updates on this to come.


Everything I can about birds, and bring it up frequently at parties. Bring your own bird manual, or as we like to say in the bird business, BYOBM.


How to spell decision, it’s truly a disgrace to my academic field that I have yet to master this skill.

Every lyric of Kid Rock, ever for obvious reasons.

What exactly twerking is and subsequently how to do it

Oh, and Swedish I guess



Something about Global Warming, because clearly it is my fault and I’m sorry about that guys

Yoga until I look exactly like this girl



Less of a fool of myself

An effort to vacuum


More spy gear, for even more obvious reasons than the Kid Rock crash course


Aggressive to strangers

A feminist


Samantha Jones, already

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As my friend Jessie inappropriately says to professors occasionally, Godspeed my friends!

2015 is yours for the taking



Carpe the Diem


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