Regression is the new progression, let’s grow backwards together

 

In the Radio Lab tradition, I have selected a theme to discuss today. This theme is overrated, as in Game of Thrones (cough cough). But not actually Game of Thrones, because I am incapable of discussing this in the slightest. When I say overrated, I’m talking about progress.

prog·ress noun \ˈprä-grəs, –ˌgres, US also & British usually ˈprō-ˌgres\

: movement forward or toward a place

: the process of improving or developing something over a period of time

 

This particular term for whatever reason implies a culturally determined presumption of positivity and necessity. There seems to be an unhealthy preoccupation with personal growth and progress, and participation in the workforce and the world at large is mandatory. 

Life is inextricably linked with this vague conception of progression and personally I find it baffling. Getting older is fine and all, but I find myself missing the old days of parental repression and no monthly rent checks to pay. Or taxes to file. Or living next door to an aspiring guitar aficionado, and all the late night practice this requires.

Does it seem like all I write about is avoiding adulthood?

That would be because that is precisely what I am do, and therefore this topic remains my sole area of expertise.

An area of expertise that is only detrimental to self-development if you are invested in forward progress in the linearly conventional sense of the word.”Write about something else” you say, “we are over this” you complain, and trust me I have more to say about a multitude of topics ranging from the possibility of centaurs and where they would buy their clothes to an in depth review of Bruce Jenner’s psychological problems and theories of what precise events have led to his current mental state.

Hard hitting news.

All in some sort of list form because what I lack in originality I attempt to make up for in organization. If only this could extend to literally any other part of my life it would be extremely appreciated.

 

For realisies though, I have a problem.

Everyone is getting married and I am just getting more confused.

Am I the only one?

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Are you still unsure what the term “housing bubble” even means`?

Do you consistently split your infinitives third-grade style despite your best efforts to discontinue this habit? Holding out hope that grammar will one day suddenly make sense.

Which one is the binding ingredient in baking?

Does your computer keyboard not work, because you got water on it, and your external keyboard you were given to replace broken keyboard now also not work because you are an irresponsible individual and this is why you can’t have nice things?

How often do you get your oil changed? How often should you?

Are people in your life buying houses, having babies, getting jobs while last week you came dangerously close to peeing your pants on the metro?

Do you find the concept of the blind leading the blind optimistically charming?

Is that kind of a very un-PC term?

 

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then this pseudo-guide is for you

Roll the dice and don’t move forward!

Move to the past and sideways

Because as Hasbro has always taught us, life is a merely a super-sized board game of epic proportions

And because you can’t list Facebook stalking skills on your resume.

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Someone has to step up and commit to being the lackadaisical population of the globe. I suppose I can be of assistance.

Here are some super helpful ideas for things to take up your time, and prevent any potential maturation. While everyone is busy making life choices and developing themselves into contributing members of society, someone has to take one for the team and act as foil to these go-getters.

 

Firstly, the undeniable hilarity of what I have deemed, in my finest display of creativity, the Facebook game in which you buy a box of wine, sit by yourself in a room and every time someone surpasses you in a life event and has the generosity to share it with the world—drink

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Spend a few hours carefully outlining future goals, and then blatantly do not adhere to them

Re-watch all shows and movies you liked in high school, and begin to write fan fiction series for each of them in different colored pens on napkins stolen from the fanciest bathrooms in all of the land.

Live at your parents, without ever re-decorating your room so that you may bask in the unadulterated essence of your child preferences and never ever stem from these. Yes, that includes that enormous Bob Marley poster comprised of tiny photos of Bob, forming a giant Bob head.

Video tape yourself re-enacting pivotal moments from years past—like being born. Start a Youtube channel solely for this purpose.

Grocery shopping can be easily simplified, as consumption of peanut butter for every meal requires only one trip to Costco.

For anything else privy to your intestinal lining, use of the same dish forever and always will make your life substantially easier. Why wash the dish now if it will be dirtied at the next meal? Really you are saving water and the environment.

Get a mohawk, color this mohawk, if you have a beard construct a beard-mohawk thing. Alternatively, shave your head. Shave your head AND grow a beard-mohawk. Or buy a dog and give HIM or her a mohawk.

Watch a ton of That 70’s Show because they just get it. Take notes, use as inspiration.

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Start a collection of something incredibly specific, and talk about it all the time. Like turtle shells. Create an Instagram account cleverly titled something about turtles where you feature your collection on a daily basis.

Purchase a notebook to keep track of all your most important thoughts and insights about the world, like potential titles for your future autobiographies.

My most recent being:

Why are you standing in the corner again?

Frankly it has all been disturbing, no reason to stop now

I do what I can for the circus folk

 

If none of this strikes your fancy, I highly recommend starting a blog founded upon passive-aggressive self deprecation because it has been working out just great for some of us.

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