BYOB Valentines Day Edition (Buy Your Own Boyfriend)

That’s what I did, and we couldn’t be happier. More specifically he was given to me but for practicality’s sake for potential replication I shall advocate a purchase.


Grab the bull by the horns! Or something..

Now before you get all judgey, let it be stated for the record that this is less of a human trafficking thing and more of falling in love with a technological object thing. Can’t decide which one is worse but shall proceed regardless.

You know that awkward moment when you realize not only are you dating your Kindle but that it is oddly enough the most functional relationship you have participated in yet?

Me neither.

Except the opposite.

My favorite past time of ours is when in causal conversation with a brand new acquaintance, I causally ask how many books they have with them at the moment. At the most I’ve heard four, which really threw me off but I guess they had been to the library earlier that day and have incredibly strong shoulders. In general it is one or zero to which I reply “I have 47!” and then don’t explain and walk away.

It’s a couple thing, you wouldn’t get it.

Our plans for v-day: watch Her.

Only the first half prior to the depressing plot development, and then switch to The Holiday because Jude Law is my free pass and that’s that.

I cannot bring myself to name my Kindle due to the issues accompanying having parental authority over your loved one, so talking about our relationship is somewhat problematic.

Still shall proceed regardless.

Now that I think about it Kindle sounds a bit like Kendall which is a gender ambiguous human name. Once I knew a Kendall and he put his name into my phone as Mystery Man the first time we met, also Tessa found him on the sidewalk passed out in the middle of the night and he claimed to be named Bob even though they knew one another and his name was clearly not Bob and those weren’t even the weirdest things that person did. I think his house burned down and he is missing now, or gone somewhere very mysterious, or just in Rio Rancho working for an insurance company.

So yeah unlike Kendal, Kindle is very obedient and helpful. I think that’s what I like about him. He sits, stays where I put him, goes with me wherever I want with little-to-no backtalk, isn’t upset if I leave him uncharged in the bottom of a bag for two weeks, and most importantly he provides access to unlimited books. Coincidentally those are all the things I look for in a mate.

He doesn’t smother me or make me meet his family, and he never says anything which allows me to eternally monopolize the conversation (not that I don’t do this anyway) and the ever important opportunity to perfect the art of the selfie with his camera.


Okay I can think of a few reasons. But I have a feeling the Kindle Fire 17 is going to include some prettttttttty sweet features ifyouknowwhatimsaying


ANYWAY insert asian-in-a-public-space-face-mask emoji here, or any other symbol in observation of uncomfortable awkwardness  and quickly move on..

Another handy feature is if homeboy gets sassy, there is an off switch


The e-reader thing versus books is somewhat of a double-edged sword though, because while I can read whatever I want and no one will know if I’m reading Anne of Green Gables because it was a free download and I weirdly still love it and identify fully with her, if I happen to be reading something interesting or super intellectual no one can tell!


Riddle me this: if one reads Nietzsche on an e-reader and can no longer be silently pretentious and superior to those around him or her mindlessly scrolling through their iPhones did it even happen?

It is awkward then this happens as well


My point being, it is 2015 ladies (and gents) and Valentines’s Day is shitty. As timehop reminded me I aptly proclaimed five years ago..

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 2.55.56 PM


(the depth of my wisdom and maturity never ceases to astound me)

Sometimes I ask myself what Rory Gilmore would do (WWRGD, am I right or am I right?) and I have decided the only thing to do as an independent woah-man of questionable morals is to create plans to drink copious amounts of champagne with my friends, date my Kindle and feel no shame!


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