The dangers of Wittgenstein’s iPod and kidnapping

Oi, so it’s March already somehow.


It’s been sunny for a week straight and I don’t even know where I am anymore because it certainly isn’t Sweden.

My lengthy absence can be attributed to the the fact of my recent kidnapping. Note to self: unadvisable to approach strange vans, even if the owners claim to be in possession of Pop Rocks. I woke up on a couch covered in salt, kidnapped by people who filled my computer with particles of dust and forced me to listen to podcasts about Wittgenstein’s iPod.

Dear Apple, is this scenario covered by my warranty?

Dust now removed, my computer is now completely functional for all Netflix purposes (initiate collective sigh of relief) and I have developed a bizarre co-dependent attachment to my tiny plastic bag of computer dust. An aptly named case of Stockholm Syndrome if I’ve ever heard one.

The most prevalent effect of my kidnapping is that every time I hear a song of any kind I now have to figure out what person, famous or otherwise, would feature such a song on their iPod. I specify iPod and not Zune because I do not associate with such people.

Here’s what I have so far:

My computer
Kidnap Me—Cruiser

Jennifer Aniston
You Belong with Me—Taylor Swift
The Love Club—Lorde
I’m Not Your Toy—La Roux

Martin Heidegger (later years)
Wide Open Spaces—Dixie Chicks
My Old Ways—Dr. Dog
The Naming of Things—Andrew Bird

My Mother
First Aid Kit newest album
Fleetwood Mac entire collection
Coldplay undetermined amount
*I know this for a fact

The guy who owns the technology shop around the corner from Kaffeverket and orders extra salmon on literally everything, but shall remain otherwise nameless
Digital Love—Daft Punk
Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want—The Smiths

Gob Bluth
When Doves Cry—Prince

Kid Rock

All Kid Rock albums, plus all Now That’s What I Call Music 7, 15, and 49

Vladimir Putin
Same Love—Macklemore (lolz)
Heads Will Roll—The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
It Wasn’t Me—Shaggy

Woody Allen
Age of Consent—New Order
My Night with the Prostitute from Marseille—Beirut


Lunar Sea—Camera Obscura
Major Label Debut—Broken Social Scene

Ron Swanson
Silence, preferably
Party in the U.S.A—Miley Cyrus

Over and Over Again—Nelly
(on repeat, in eternal recurrence)
It’s All Been Done—Barenaked Ladies

The chickens from Chicken Run
Shake Ya Tailfeather—Also Nelly*
*Am I listening to too much Nelly

You get the idea. It’s a highly addicting activity, like meth but a little more addicting and harmful to your health than the drug



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