My best friend got engaged this month and we all know what that means:
bachelorette party y’all!
I do not think I could be more excited to make this the best possible year full of celebration, love, and mini Heinekens. I love weddings, and since my role as the spinster aunt and spectator to my friends’ domestic bliss is becoming increasingly apparent, I take planning the festivities incredibly.seriously.
To make the various upcoming showers extra-special I have brainstormed some unique, and dare I say genius, themes! Here is what I have come up with so far, feel free to Pinterest them away.
The food selection will consist of a buffet spread with the pickled vegetables sof the world, featuring prominently in kimchi. Pickles of all sizes and varieties will obviously be present as well.
Dress code, wear any shade of all green head to foot. I have a shirt that says “DILL FOR THE WIN” and now I have an occasion to wear it, not that I needed one before. Also I don’t have a shirt that says this but I want one now and have every intention of creating it before the event. Let me know if you want your own, sixty-five dollars a pop.
Activities will include pickling (of course) so BYOV. Actually it doesn’t even have to be a vegetable, we can pickle anything and the opportunities are endless! Let’s pickle a pickle! We will give the bride all the pickled items to begin her post-apocalyptic food bunker. You are welcome Mel. The raw meat will be forthcoming and you will be set forever, like that family in Wife Swap.
A video loop montage of the ever lovely bride eating pickles at Disneyland will play, videos which I can confidently take the liberty of assuming there are many.
The party will take place somewhere in the desert, which luckily for us is not in short supply in New Mexico. Every guest shall be given a shovel and a place to dig a hole. Singing allowed, but only tunes straight from the film—the film, not the book—or Lady Gaga.
Food and water will be available once you finish digging your hole, don’t be a slacker! Food will take the form of bugs and gruel, and the water will actually be an Everclear/Smirnoff Ice hybrid cocktail (house specialty) and severe dehydration will ensure considerable inebriation.
Pin the tail on the lizard will be played with actual lizards that I will trap during the hole digging.
Party favors will include masks constructed out of Shia Lebeouf’s current braided head, courtesy of the bride who recently created such a masterpiece in emoji form. Don’t underestimate how useful this will be in your life.
The caps are intentional, to denote the political group and not merely an average tea party which is for sissies. And those dang liberals.
Dress code will require Ron Paul themed attire. Preferably featuring his face on one, if not all, pieces of clothing.
Food will be instant Jello, cool whip, and tea.
Activities will be centered around the creation of signs denoting displeasure at anything at all, marching into Taniwan, and aggressively picketing for five to seven hours.
We will stream Bad Lip Readings of Ron Paul’s speeches and that scene in the second Borat (Bruce? Brutus? Whatever) when he is interviewing slash sexually harassing Ron in a hotel room and Ronny freaks the fuck out.
Party favors will be temporary tattoos stating in all caps either “TEABAGGERS 4 LYFE” or the classic “TEABAGGER?”. The question mark was accidental, but now I have 75 of these tattoos printed and there is no going back.
To be clear, there is no baby at the moment but I would love to confuse everyone by throwing a baby shower and then having to explain that it is merely a theme.
Mostly I want to give out baby bottle pops as party favors, and instruct everyone to wear diapers.
Extreme Home Makeover
We all don construction hats, you bring your own hammer, and together we proceed to demolish a lucky guest’s home with the purpose of renovating it into a Mel and Mark themed masterpiece.
Activities will all be based upon the 48 hour marathon construction of an Msquared shrine. Names will be thrown into a bowl, and the lucky recipient chosen at random.
Sandwiches will be provided from Subway, I have always wanted to order one of those eight-foot long sandwiches and now is the perfect opportunity.
The reward will be the bonding experience of grueling physical labor, and for the owner of the redone home the perpetual presence of Mel’s face in fifty-foot form on an entire wall of their home. I think we all know who the real winner is, the rest of us get keychains.
Hunting, my personal favorite
We shall embark on a hunting adventure in which we all are expected to contribute one slayed animal to the party, do your part. The food will be made from the animals we capture. Mostly stews, meat pies, and hamburgers. Eyeballs are a delicacy.
Attire should naturally be head-to-toe camouflage and those snazzy orange vests, I will provide the cross bows. They are really easy to operate so don’t even worry! Super fun!
The drinks will be blood colored, but not made with actual blood so chill the fuck out.
Man, planning a party sure is fun. If this whole academic thing doesn’t work out I guess I know what I can do as a secondary career option. That, or sell plasma