I know what you are thinking, I had you at drinking
I am unsure as to know how exactly how it happened–okay yes I am sure and I fully blame Jen, Mel, and a wholeeeee lotta white wine—but I have developed an obsession with the Kardashian family.
A legitimate obsession, an obsession in the sense that a diagnosis and prescription is just about necessary. This obsession has unfortunately become a defining feature of my personality, along with my verbal brevity and stoic emotional demeanor. You know you have a problem when your phone looks like this
only to immediately be followed by this
(Okay, sorry I don’t know how to blur names because…technology. So all twelve people who read this will now be aware that you three are infected with Kardashian-itis as well)
I am fascinated with the show for two reasons:
They represent my ultimate life goals: to become disgustingly rich from a sex tape and then have a reality show follow me around as I do stupid shit and name all my eighteen children variations of the same name.
Because I love fun.
I have never felt so conflictingly jealous of someone else’s life and at the same time thankful to not be them on so many levels.
Pretty much all the levels
There is seriously one episode where Kim and Kendall are in the room casually eating decadent snacks off a tea tray, as Khloe is getting stretch marks lasered.off.her.ass.
I LOVE IT SO MUCH
One thing must be established right here, right now, real quick. There is one critical factor to enjoyment of this show: it begins with “al” and ends in “cohol”
On that note I present to you “Drinking Up with the Kardashians” ALMOST my finest game invention to date, coming in second only to the dating game “Cute or Homeless”
Alrighty then, without further ado
Drink once when:
Unacknowledged changes in lip size occur
Hairstyles inexplicably change within the episode
Kourtney is doing anything pregnancy related
Kanye is so awkward it is physically painful to witness
A huge jar of candy and/or cookies is on screen
Drink an entire glass of wine when:
Any member of the family whines about something that no one else would ever whine about.
(see what I did there)
Take a shot when:
Bruce is emotionally abused in any way, left out, tortured by Kris, made fun of, etc.
A fight over literally nothing happens
An apology follows a fight that occurs over nothing
They are in a huge black vehicle
Khloe curses in any capacity
Take two shots when:
They are on the phone while driving a huge black vehicle
Kylie or Kendall are doing something inappropriate for their age
Kris does something even more inappropriate for her age
Khloe makes a weight comment about herself
Assign a drink of any quantity to someone else:
Kim is the rational member of the family
Scott is involved in some vague business scheme
Rob’s bizarre absence and/or bizarre existence is mentioned
Scott provides a snarky quip
For the entirety of any private jet plane scene
Drink twelve drinks when:
North or Kanye makes an appearance
Any member of the family has a face lift
A house is nonchalantly purchased
When a house is casually purchased by a member of the family under 21, using money made from people like us who support these people’s careers because WHAT. I would like a house, but my lips are normal size.