How to reel in the dates, but more likely none at all
We’ve just about reached the halfway mark of July and summer fever is in full effect. Everyone has been watching the Bachelorette, and lives in terror of marriage-driven dating. I mean, I am still actively pinning to my secret wedding board on Pinterest but I speak for the rest of you.
If seeking some casual strange, but are not well-versed in the intricacies of courting then this guide is for YOU. Dating is a delicate balance between fundamentally deceiving prospects about virtually all your personal attributes, and not giving a shit. And who better qualified than yours truly in dispensing advice on this very important topic? The obvious choice, according to my cat.
SO. Getting prepped to go out.
First things first hide yo zits, hide the rest of your face. No one wants to see that, purchase some stage makeup and go to town. You certainly don’t want to be recognized by anyone after this night. Be creative young grasshoppers, go forth and youtube makeup tutorials! #contouringopportunity
Trends are your friend
Wear something you are comfortable in. If that happens to be a t-shirt reading “Jesus it’s just that easy” then go with that. It’s made out of great material if people could just stop with the judging!!!
For men, I recommend investing in some pheromone cologne. It exists, and I have tasted it. In my defense I thought it was flavored lube, which is surprisingly delicious. Especially the salted caramel kind!
For women, might I suggest keeping a burrito in your pocket. A subtle waft of breakfast food does wonders for enticing the male population. Or female..the human population really. Everyone loves burritos. If nothing else, you can rest safe with the knowledge that you will definitely not being going home alone.
For both, don’t shower for a week or so in preparation for this event so your natural smell is prominently featured.
Once ready and out, it’s time to attract some potential mates. Get yourself to a bar, ABQ residents might I suggest the Distillery? I have been there once, and when I wasn’t crying in the bathroom for no reason I was noticing the mating rituals occurring over really cheap shots. Oh, the beauty of youthful romance.
Never buy your own drink, don’t even bring money with you! Simply ask every semi-attractive person to borrow money, conveniently necessitating a future meet- up for you to return the favor. Or you get a free drink, really a win-win.
Eye contact is critical when attracting a mate. If they aren’t looking at you, continue to stare at them until they do. Don’t want to miss an opportunity, they might only look once. Try not to blink once in conversation with someone, it disrupts the eye contact.
Once you snag a partner begin to talk about your interests, for instance if you have been reading murder mysteries feel free to talk about the best ways to murder someone. There are so. many. ways. Don’t even get me started, I blame Serial. When in doubt or awkward silence simply revert to universally appreciated and topical subjects, like Scientology or rodeos.
PRO TIP: Always always always always pretend to like Game of Thrones. Even if you hate it, it’s a deal breaker for seventy-five percent of the population.
Conversing with new people is unavoidably awkward, icebreakers assist with the communication process. My favorite? Ask them their street address. Or ask their first and last name, find them on Facebook while still in proximity, and use the “ask address” button.
My friend Anna informed me about this twitter and it is the GREATEST. It has been so helpful for me personally. The important questions must be asked
And most importantly, scale 1-10, 1 being great, 10 being the FUCKING GREATEST EVER how majestic is the experience of breading your cat?
There is a right answer.
Finally, Facebook is a highly useful tool for investigation of relationship status of a prospective suitor. If not listed, click the helpful “ask relationship status” button. When in doubt, always ask. The girl he is with in his profile pic could be his sister, they could be a very close family.
Thanks FB! You the real MVP. (Eye heart acronyms)
If for some reason these highly useful tips fail to work, there is probably something wrong with you. That aside, you will likely be alone forever. I have found food helps numb that pain, and preferably a lot of it. Quantity > quality.