Astrological August: Your month in peculiar specificity

cancer

Aries

Oprah once said, “If you feel secure in your relationships, it is probably because they are talking shit behind your back on the regular”. Think about this, Aries, because it directly applies to you. This month is the perfect opportunity to change everything about your entire personality, everyone you know and love has been waiting for long enough.

Taurus

Taurus, your sun sign is in retrograde from the 15th to the 25th of August and you will be playing with fire. Literally. Seriously be careful when lighting a cigarette or performing pagan fire rituals, or you will singlehandedly cause a forest fire.

Gemini

Reese Witherspoon recently starred in the movie Wild, which is based off a memoir of a woman who embarked on a wild adventure to hike the Pacific Crest Trail in the most unprepared way possible. Think of her, dear Gemini, ripping her toenail off in one of the most repulsive cinematic scenes ever as you inject yourself with heroin and cheat on your significant other before taking off on a potentially life threatening hike.

Cancer

Invest in some quality binoculars, Cancer because birds are migrating in front of the spot where Venus rises. Your neighbors are up to something and it is your responsibility–nay, your civic DUTY to figure out what it is. Word on the street is they are communists poisoning the water with their red lies, infecting American freedom! You must be on 24/7 surveillance mode, it is up to YOU.

Leo

Did somebody say suicide pact?**

Virgo

Things come to people who wait for them, sometimes. I know you have wanted those J Crew pants for so long Virgo, and now is your time. They are on sale! Only in size extra small, so you are going to have to stop eating a week ago. Kale and adderall diet begins… now.

Libra

The moon is orbiting the Earth, Libra, and we all love it. Similarly, if you are interested in someone it is best to be in perpetual proximity to them, preferably orbiting their body in a circular fashion. They might not love you now, but give it a few billion years and there will be a race to get to you first! Monkeys will win.

Scorpio

Scorpio, I hate to break it to you but there is a scorpion colony under your bed as we speak. That’s what you get for being born in November, but luckily for you they will not attack fellow brethren. Befriend the scaly creatures, create a venomous army to use against your enemies! No one will fuck with you ever again, ask the Rock. Scorpion armies are the new black

Sagittarius

Ah Saggi, you sassy thing you. Be careful where that mouth lands you this month. Stars are in the sky in barely perceptible shapes and you know what that means (I’m talking to you Jeff from Flipping Out). That Big Dipper is cause for Big Trouble, so shut your trap unless you want a repeat of that scene from True Detective when Vince Vaughn unconvincingly beats up that enormous gangster and pulls out all his teeth (spoiler).

Capricorn

Greetings little goats, by far the most superior of the signs your wisdom abounds as per usual this month. You need to make an extra cash right now, I know, so put that intuition to proper use by posing as an authority on the supernatural. Psychic gigs are aplenty this month, because Mercury is turning blue on the dark side of Saturn’s rings. Or just write your own horoscopes, people love that shit.

Aquarius

Sexual experimentation is in the air, Aquarius. Inanimate objects are where it’s at, and you are seeing that vase in a whole new way now aren’t you? This is a no judgement month for the water signs because it is summer, and hot as balls. As Gandhi preaches, “YOLO bitches, screw whatever you want.”

Pisces

There was never a better time to join a cult, than right here right now. You seek community this month, Pisces, and Scientology just makes so much sense.

**Just kidding times infinity

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