Greetings my fair Americans and merriest of voting days to you all!
I know people are deeply unsatisfied with the available candidate selections this time around, and it seems to me that this dissatisfaction stems from a collective frustration about things not being what they appear or promote themselves as being. This is a common problem, I mean let’s be real we have all accidentally chugged a jar of semen we found on a street corner thinking it was free buttermilk. We have all been fooled before, in this exact and very specific way. Who could say no to free buttermilk? We aren’t savages.
So before you cast your vote at the closest middle school, I thought I should be the one to tell you two important things. The first is that the numbers on the toaster correspond to the minutes in which the bread will be toasted for and not the degree of toasty-ness. The second is that I have been hearing some things about Mrs. Clinton from a credible source that we should discuss (this crab):
Now we all know her pantsuits are full of secrets, but wait until you hear just to what degree.
Oh you would like that wouldn’t you.
I mean yes Trump has said this
He might be the just about the biggest asshole in the entire world, not to mention a delusional, creepy, bigoted, racist, sexist, mentally inferior, pompous piece of lying shit.
But what about CROOKED HILLARY?! She has like…deleted emails and strategically altered political stances throughout her 30 years of service, and then deleted some more emails. She might look like a nice enough lady doing the best she can in high pressure, impossibly delicate situations all while nurturing her adoration for balloons and deleting emails but how can we trust anything ever again after the buttermilk?!
Does “Crooked Hillary” sound like someone who we can trust? Someone whose very nickname refers to that time she was praying and driving at the same time with her eyes closed and ran into that Pizza Johns killing five orphans on a field trip and destroying at least as many pizzas. Pizzas are a right, not a privilege!
Could we trust someone whose body was crushed in this accident from the waist up, making it necessary for a full torso and face robotic transplant?! She may be able to hide her robot eyes, but there is no camouflaging those robot arms or that cold robot heart. How else could she have ever deleted emails? I would never do such a thing.
I hear that what she doesn’t want you to know is that the whole email debacle resulted from her vigorous and repeated attempts to unsubscribe from Audible. A task not for the faint of heart, let me tell you. They say her robot eyes render her unable to read actual books, so she subscribed to Audible not knowing the ingenuity and perseverance of character required to cancel that herpes of a service. However, upon realization that her subscription put her at risk for exposure not as the first woman president, but instead the first robot one, she knew something must be done. Silly Hillary, deleting all your emails will not unsubscribe you from shit. But really, how do you unsubscribe from Audible?
The emails aside, the crab has told me some other things that Hillary has done which totally make her way worse of a candidate than that guy who said this:
I have compiled them below so that you can have all the super very true facts before committing to a vote. WE HAVE THE BEST FACTS ABOUT THIS NASTY WOMAN, everyone says so. Where do we even start.
Remember Harambe? She is responsible.
Heard Coldplay’s new album? Also responsible.
please god, no make it stop.
Brad and Angelina’s break-up? Res.pon.si.ble. She seduced Brad away from Angie with her special blend of hot cheetos and meth.
One time she was kicked out of Walmart for stuffing $172 worth of steak and lobster down her pants.
oh wait, this wasn’t her.
But she definitely developed Hepatitis after binging on energy drinks, which was the true cause of her seizure. She has 6 months to live.
In exchange for a lifetime supply of free sausages and paper towels she did Benghazi.
Her most notable contribution to the Illuminati agenda has been to ensure that guacamole is extra, always.
So my dear friends, all this to say, think long and hard before you vote today because clearly it is SUCH a hard decision between these two totally equal in suckiness candidates.