2017 and counting: a subpar soundtrack to your resolutions

So I guess it’s 2017, and operating off of the assumption that some of us are actively making resolutions to make this a better year than the previous (PLZ SWEET BABY JESUS THAT WOULD BE GR8 THX), I would greatly like to be of assistance.

Not that you asked, or that I am even in a position to offer advice in any capacity. To be clear, I say “some of us” whilst explicitly avoiding the inclusion of myself, because undertaking a resolution would require a semblance of follow-through, and that simply doesn’t sound like me. Also, perhaps I should work on contributing to society in even a single way and not living with my parents before taking on any additional obligations.

Screen Shot 2017-01-09 at 13.22.46.pngDisclaimers about my qualifications and/or lack thereof aside, to assist you on your quests for self-improvement I have created a list of inspirational jams individualized for your specific undertaking! Unless your resolution is to not listen to shitty music, in which case this list is not for you at all.

Screen Shot 2017-01-09 at 13.19.22.pngScreen Shot 2017-01-09 at 13.18.27.png

Not texting while driving:

Last Kiss by Pearl Jam

Slow clap for safe drivers! Not while driving obviously, keep those hands at 10 and 2 baby. Coincidentally, this tune is also the name and theme song of my future strip club slash stir fry restaurant so don’t even think about stealing because I have watched all of the Good Wife and I will fuck you up with patent litigation. Or I’ll just run for State’s Attorney and cheat on my wife, it could really go either way at this point. Anyway, Pearl Jam’s saddest hit is basically 101 for what happens when you operate a motorized vehicle while swiping right, so…don’t.

Finally cleaning out your goddamn closet:

Trapped in the Closet by R. Kelly

r kelly trapped in the closetSome of us are hindered with parents unsympathetic to our unhealthy tendencies regarding the acquisition of and unwarranted attachment to paper products. I speak from deeply troubling personal experience. I moved home this month and my loving mother welcomed me with open arms, and the immediate request to fucking throw away my math homework from fifth grade already. Joke’s on her, because I kept it as proof that at one point in my life I knew my multiplication tables. Something positive did come out of this experience, however, because to assist me with this task I created a mix I like to call Closet Purge Deluxxx, and which is actually less of a mix and more of R. Kelly’s entire Trapped in the Closet album punctuated with the occasional Eminem.

Eating so fresh and so clean clean:

Broccoli by D.R.A.M


This seems fairly straight forward, but if someone named Lil Yachty produced an entire song about broccoli and the radio is actually playing it, then it seems doable that you can eat a stalk or two. Or stalk a broccoli or two. Or just become a stalker with an affinity for fresh and local produce. Follow your heart!

Learning the art of parallel parking:

I Try by Macy Grey

“Try” being the operative word because parallel parking is an ability that is 1) elusive 2) evidently not genetically transferable. Point in case: my father is the best parallel parker I know, while I as his spawn am forever working on not having a panic attack during any and every attempt. May Macy’s slow jam give you the patience to learn a skill that quite honestly should be required for us to receive driving licenses in the first place.

Fall in love:

No Scrubs by TLC and Breakfast at Tiffany’s by that one band


First of all don’t do it, it’s a trap! Maybe it’s just me, but dating is the worst and Netflix is absolutely a suitable replacement for human contact*. However, for those of you alive with the hope of romance in the new year, I would like for you to keep in mind that you don’t want no scrubs. Also that if all you have in common is kind of liking Breakfast at Tiffany’s, then you should hold tight to that person because most people (with souls) LOVE and do not merely only kind of like that film.

*AKA the title of my MA thesis and forthcoming autobiography


Work Out by J. Cole, anything by Missy Elliot


Travel somewhere, anywhere, even once:

I’m on a Boat by Lonely Island

On a boat or otherwise, I again speak from personal experience when I say traveling companions really love it when you repeat only the line about Pashmina afghans from this song for hours, because that’s all you can remember. You can’t not nail it.

That’s all I got, may 2017 suck a little less for us all and may I learn to spell license and decision without the assistance of spell check. Peace, Love, and Merry Monday to you all.


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