It’s safe to say that this ranks highly amongst things I never anticipated appearing in my search history.
Which evidently seems to be the case for all other Googlers as well, because nothing came up (pun intended, winky face eggplant) but here we are and yes, it feels weird.
Let it be noted that this is coming from someone whose history boasts
Don’t do it, it’s a trap!
Two Mondays ago I enticed my lovely friends to embark on yet another miraculous journey: FOX News and Chill. It’s like Netflix and Chill but instead of being a euphemism for boning, it instead demarcates the soul-crushing experience of willingly exposing oneself to the lie-emporium toting itself as reality to the deranged, and typically concludes in a group ugly cry sesh.
Before you go and feel too bad for them, I did bring snacks! I also arrived more than an hour late, but there was hummus (and PBR). I also proceeded to eat approximately all their banana chips, but I brought hummus (and PBR).
Did I mention the hummus?
I figure seeing as it is the sole source of real news on the entire planet earth, it’s high time some brave soul developed some right proper coping mechanisms for viewing purposes. By coping mechanisms naturally I mean a drinking game. Recently, my dad told me that the best things I write are drinking games, because being the supportive father that he is, he really wants me to aim for the stars and/or shoot for the moon and/or anything involving me ending up in space far away from all human civilization.
Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with the offerings of this fine, fine channel, or what I like to think of as “Eric Balling Reading Off His Phone”, actual news occupies approximately 1/8th of 1/8th of the channel’s programming schedule. In its place are a series of incredibly biased, and intermittently racist talk shows.
I’m not sure what they are trying to pull, but despite the network’s moniker there is a notable lack of news about foxes. Exactly zero foxes, in fact. WTF* FOX?!
*Where’re The Foxes
The day I chose to force everyone to embark on this journey was perhaps a poor one, as I was en route, I received the following information.
(Sorry, Trevor for the name of our group chat. Love you mean it and we do need you. Sometimes. Like in emergency rescue mountain situations, mostly)
I didn’t buy wine and it soon became clear we could not watch five hours of coverage about terrorism and/or Ariana Grande, and create a drinking game around it. Instead, we watched the spectrum of available alternate programming to ensure that no matter what you are watching on FOX, you will be drunk.
First up, we have FOX and Friends.
Featuring not-Megan Kelly, Brian whathisface, and the token creepy uncle, this trio of humans who are absolutely not friends (nor foxes) in real life sit on a white pleather couch borrowed from what I can only assume is a low-grade porn from the 80’s and occasionally do important shit like this when they aren’t taste testing caffeinated bagels
The rules for this program are as follows:
When Steve Doocy sits in an uncomfortably awkward position, drink. He can’t help it, he was teased mercilessly throughout his boyhood for his last name and has never been the same.
When Brian Kilmeade says something blatantly racist and or sexist, drink twice.
Anytime a bulleted list is employed to oversimplify, de-contextualize, and thereby manipulate the nuances of complex political and social situations, shotgun a beer.
Waterfall counterclockwise, with each person’s turn ending literally any time Tucker’s expression changes from the exact one below whilst interviewing.
To understand the mystifying phenomenon of the TC face of which I speak, I refer you to this video: http://video.foxnews.com/v/5440432505001/?#sp=show-clips
This show is the network’s replacement for the Glenn Beck show, if that tells you anything at all. Its mission is to fill the void left behind by Beck, and it succeeds in the sense that I feel like vomiting almost equally as much the entirety of watching it. Luckily for us alcohol exists.
So without further ado…let’s get fucked up.
Anytime Eric Bolling reads something off his phone, drink. Drink twice if it is a FOX affiliate’s tweet, drink three times if it is Trump and he praises it. Drink one more time if you feel like it.
Drink every time Jesse Watters looks like he is actively thinking about cracking open a cold one with the boys
Drink once for every use of the following phrases:
- “fake news”; “mainstream media”
- “deep state”
Take a shot in the following instances:
- The construction and attack of a straw man argument
- A flat out lie is told, two shots if it is reiterated in higher octave
- Criticizing “liberals” and the like for the same thing they are doing at that exact moment, i.e. calling out CNN about only covering a select portion of news to skew the public perception.
- They deflect an issue about the GOP and their president by making some random and unrelated point about Obama or Clinton
Pals, please go ahead and take 40 shots so you die before you have to watch this.
The only thing missing from the game at this stage is the name. So far the suggestions are all from Colin and include but are not limited to:
“Grouchy Bolling, Hidden Spicer”
“Calling All Uncles” or “How to Turn your Raging Uncle into a Raging Alcoholic Uncle”
I honestly couldn’t decide so any thoughts, feelings, questions, concerns regarding the name of this game are appreciated.